Charlie Sheen, as expected, climbed down from his ego-maniacal horse earlier today. After a meeting with his father Martin and studio executives, in the course of which it was spelt out in great detail what he stood to lose as a man and an actor, Sheen saw the error of his ways.
The following is a transcript of an interview with Larry King to be screened tonight. Charlie will also be appearing on the Oprah Winfrey Show, the Dave Letterman Show, and in an impromptu episode of The Muppets to be aired on Sunday.
K: So what got into you Charlie?
C: Oh, it's a long story. I was going through a bad time... what with the breakup of my marriage and all... you know. I guess I was trying to lose myself or something.
K: But the dozens of women? What was that all about?
C: Oh, it was just showing off. I mean if I had done all those things I claimed I would be in a jar in a research laboratory somewhere. Truth is, we were having pretty ordinary sex, me and the girls. And I do apologize to any of the other girls who got caught up in this... Certain concoctions of dope and liquor can do wonderful things to your mind Larry so you experience things a whole lot more. That's all there was to it. Guess I started believing my own fantasies. Had it not been for the bitch who told everbody I had a small penis a while back I would not have gone down this path.
K: You called Hugh Hefner an amateur. Some would see that as a gross exaggeration, others as unwarranted flattery. What did you intend by that?
C: Nah. Nothing. Hugh and I are real good friends. He is our leader. And I do apologize for that remark.
K: And you were looking at one stage... for three million... three million dollars an episode! Do you think you are worth that?
C: Worth had nothing to do with it. I was just getting back at one or two individuals who had given me bad press. I am quite happy with a million bucks for a few hours having fun with the cast. It beats the hell out of coal mining.
K: Sure does Charlie. So. we take it you have seen the error of your ways. I believe your father had some influence on your decision. What did he say to you? Can you take us through it?
K: Oh, dad just said... he had a bigger dick than me and there was nothing I could do about it. Maybe he's right too. But, I'll keep trying. Only kiddin' Larry. Truth is I can't wait to get back to work. A helluva lot of people depend on me especially my kids and I am so happy to have them back. That is the one thing I regret. They shouldn't have been caught up in all of this.
K: Anything else you regret?
C: Everybody finding out. Only kiddin' Larry. Only kiddin'.
K: Thanks for coming on the show Charlie.
C: Thankyou for having me Larry.
K (to camera): That was a sincere and some would say, penitential Charlie Sheen there. And I hear on the grapevine that he is being considered for a major movie role in a forthcoming film on the life of... you guessed it... Hugh Hefner. That should be something! I am looking forward to that. A great actor whatever is said about him and a great friend of mine. Good to see him back. Now for a break... so that the boys I make this lying, hypocritical shit for, can sell you more junk. Back in a minute.