Written by John Peurach

Sunday, 30 January 2011


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image for Citizen Emanuel Back In The Mayoral Saddle Again, Many In Hollywood Left Holding 10 Pounds Of Something Indescribably Undesirable In A 5 Pound Bag EVERYONE INTO THE POOL: Emanuel's exit - stage left leaves the trap door open for many of Hollywood's best and brightest.

HOLLYWOOD - With word coming out of Chicago last week, that the Illinois Supreme Court voted 7-0 in favor of Rahm Emanuel's unwavering claims of in-town residency, the former erstwhile mayoral candidate of the Second City is now back on board as a new and improved, ready-for-full-time, play along for real, totally legit candidate for that burg's highest profile-like public office.

(Not counting, of course, Oprah's official taste-tester and/or weekend pantyhose wrangler.)

In other words, "I'm back, baby!" snarled Emanuel, once informed of the Illinois Supreme Court's ruling. "Still here, filled with fear, so get used to it!"

Or, so it most definitely seemed, during an altogether rare, off-the-cuff, news-breaking occasion, that found the preening, high wire, back-on-board candidate, surprisingly enough, momentarily caught off-camera, and apparently, either entirely distracted or just temporarily not in the mood to otherwise repeatedly use the "F" word, and/or refer to anyone, not of his liking, as a "putz."

Meanwhile, back on the way, way out, west-like coast, where most of America ends (up eventually), an extra-overheated gaggle of TV industry big wigs (some of which, couldn't help but slink around underneath a wide selection all too noticeable toups, that occasionally came equipped with there own - sometimes hardly noticeable - chin strap) were suddenly forced to start comparing their wicked assortment of fast-rising, full-tilt tizzies.

And not just because objects in their hands appeared closer in the mirror, once they started waving them around.

No, the real, almost but not quite, muckity-upped deal going down now on this town's latest how do you not do-to do, is all due to Emanuel's rather ill-planned, about face, u-turn reset, back to the bosom of the land of Lincoln from whence he came.

In other words (for those without a compass, and/or a martini glass to piss and moan in), wherever it now appears that all is well and good, as far as it goes.

Especially when it rhymes with hell and should, and, of course, something else about this that really blows.

Mainly because it leaves several highly placed TV honchos not only high and dry, but collectively moist in all the right places.

And, since the prevailing showbiz thought of the moment (excluding Natalie Portman's choice of wardrobe for the upcoming Oscars, of course) prior to Emanuel's exit - stage left, was that he was indeed going to be available to be the principally featured primetime star in any number of possible (but now highly improbable) cable network vehicles, let's just say that more than the usual undigested California Roll has suddenly hit the nearest ceiling fan, and promptly left a well decorated wall-to-wall wake of industry wide uncertainty, for more than a few people (who, traditionally have trouble understanding what it means when someone else says "NO") to do some last minute, eleventh hour scrambling in order to make sure the drapes in their new office still get an official OK from someone at corporate.

"No doubt about it, Rahm's little rewind move sure put me in a pickle," said Abe Snidewinder, Exective Procucer and Co-Creator of "Da Mayor," the thought to be perfect HD window for Emanuel's on-screen acting chops (before it was discovered he had none, and was forced to endure an intense two-day acting workshop seminar conducted by Academy Award winner Richard Dreyfuss, which also involved the ensemble acting services of several highly sought after theatrical prospects from LA's Fairfax High School Drama Department). "So much so that my personal assistant Brad developed a horrible facial rash that caused him to be the object of an undue amount around the office ridicule and perpetual scorn, and not just by me."

Meanwhile, although Michael Mann, the other Co-Creator of "Da Mayor," is seriously thinking of his possible (highly likely) impending exit from the project, there is the outside chance he may stay attached to the project if the show's star player vacancy can be immediately filled by someone with the same Chicagoland political pedigree connection as Emanuel.

At this point, uncertain overtures to this effect have apparently been extended to several, as yet unannounced, would-be prospects.

If, for some reason, none of those choices pan out, Snidewinder and Mann may have to resort to their ace in the hole Plan B. According to several unnamed inside sources, such a move would require them to sign up whichever former North Lake, Illinois public official is next up for parole, which, at this point would be Dominick "Doornail" DeFazzio, the three-time mayor, currently serving a 10 to 20 year stretch for extortion, mail fraud, aggravated assaut, and decidedly bad table manners.

As for the as planned-on cast for "Da Mayor," only Dennis Farina has bolted so far. But, may in fact return, once he discovers who ran off with his mustache during a recent fracas with Jane Lynch ("Glee") and, reportedly, comedienne Margaret Cho, over a parking space on the Paramount lot.

That, of course leaves, Selma Blair, Michael Clarke Duncan, Jason Schwartzman, Alex Borstein, and Elliot Gould plenty of time to just sit tight and wait, while a search party fans out to find just where it might be that Martin Lawrence and Daphne Rosen went to for such an otherwise extended three-day lunch break.

Meanwhile, on the musical-variety front, TV Land and veteran Producer C.F. "George" Vladivostok, are currently deep in a no-win corner with nothing but a hard place to fall back on now that their hoped for baby, "Rhammy & Cher" has run aground without so much as even a three-hour cruise to it's name.

"We for sure thought we had the inside track with Rham, mainly because, acting- wise, he, what the hell can you say, made Pauly Shore look suddenly like Daniel Day Lewis, or, at the very least, Anthony Hopkins," said Vladivostok. "So you can well imagine how disappointed not only I am, but TV Land as well, since they cleared out a whole hour for us, on a great night, and were forced to tell Alan Thicke to take his sitcom with Joyce DeWitt, Linda Lavin, and Kim Fields elsewhere."

Adding to the now high tide of woes sinking what's left of the mothership that Vladivostock had hoped to be his big, late in the game, return to primetime prominence, is the suddenly uncool fact that the show's other premier would-be star Cher is now throwing a fit because it seems the teamsters working the show failed to otherwise gentlemanly welcome with high-five open arms the necessary contractual inclusion of her son Chaz (formerly her daughter Chastity) into their stand around on-set ranks.

Thus, once again proving, just how difficult it is sometimes to professionally move on in this town whenever the gloves come off, and the big boy pants go on.

In other words, like most of what happens in Hollywood (that tends to flirt with and/or act upon the state of narrowed down duel gender citizenship) stays in Hollywood.

(Unless of course, it in any way shape or form involves a runaway production that will only come out smelling sweet if, for a variety of reasons, out-of-town tax breaks and/or the carte blanche temporary takeover of willingly receptive regional communities is allowed to be the one or two from Column A that becomes the predominant, strictly business, way of the day, then, well, you do the math, after someone even shadier does it first and foremost for you.)

In order to supply the, at present, might be no-show with some well-needed laughs, a recent Hollywood area block wide talent search came up with a custom made company of comedy cut-ups (Anthony Adornetto, Susie Essman, Pablo Francisco, Stevie Ray Fromstein, Anthony Griffith, Kevin Meaney, Carole Montgomery, Peter Pitofsky, and Jerry Van Dyke) that might possibly be whipped into shape in time to hold the fort, until all systematic symptoms brought on by this unfortunate top-line flare-up has found a way to simmer down.

Meanwhile, to help cushion the big knee below the belt blow should Cher take a walk, Vladivostok is quite prepared at the this point in WTF time to reach out and touch someone like Blondie's Deborah Harry, or perhaps even someone as go there bold as Kim Shattuck (The Muffs, The Pandoras, The Beards), with hopes that either one might be a perfect side by side match for new go-to boy on the block, legendary punk grand dad, Iggy Pop.

What the hell, in this town anything can happen. Especially when it ain't over till a plus-size doll (or a dude picked up for stalking Scarlett J.) sings, and what's broken needs some quick thinkin' fixin of the highest order.

No, not that kind. But, generally it helps, nonetheless, to let it slip a bit in that direction, while everything else hangs out accordingly.

All of which would seem to be the course of action the good folks at MSNBC now are in the very serious mood to foist on that portion of the sit still public seemingly eager to invest a sizable amount open-minded eye and ear time in their on-air, nightly-like, "Countdown" direction

Then again, how else do you explain what seems to now be up with the producers of that newsworthy taffy pull?

Namely, going yard and being all of a sudden ever-so anxious to replace their almost all the way there door prize combo of Emanuel for Olbermann, with former New York Mets centerfielder Mookie Wilson. Apparently, on the, well, who cares assumption that, as long as he knows how to smirk and raise his eyebrows every time Citizen Palin opens her yap and/or falls in a hole of her own making, deep in the (high on her self) endlessly enchanted forest of her own irrefudiatable choosing, then, what's not to like?

(As always, in stereo, where available.)

Or, to bring it on home to where Citizen Emanuel is currently in the mood for a better than average pay or play day, meet the new boss, same as no other boss, without the nicks and cuts of a blade.

In other words, check, please.

And, oh yeah, next stop……….Urbana?


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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