Written by dutch

Saturday, 29 January 2011


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There was once a boy who lived in Bristol and worked as a pizza delivery driver. He had a snazzy silver scooter and a special carrier pannier at the back. Once or twice a day he would deliver a pepperoni or margherita or Hawaiian pizza to 46 Cannynge Road. Some days if the punters were pushing the boat out they would have anchovies and capers as well as a filled crust as well as a garlic bread order on the side.

One Friday Pizza Face was driving along Cannynge Road and he saw the lovely blonde haired lady carrying a pesto pizza which was one of Tescos Finest.

He felt hurt and indignation and could not believe how he had been spurned for a Tesco authentic creation. The big supermarkets would undercut the small boys in the Pizza Business. He picked up his phone and told his great Uncle Antonio who was the Godfather of the Pizza Business. He said, "We cannot have the big boys stealing our customers." The old man said he would said the mafiosa to go and reason with the lady and try and win her business back again.

The old man despatched a white transit van to take care of matters with two thug like mafiosi inside. They were distant cousins of Pizza Face from Sicily and would make the Mario brothers look like rocket scientists.

Pizza face morosely drove on his scooter up and down Clifton Road and then up Cannynge Road where his golden haired temptress lived. As he drove past he witnessed the two Italians escorting the blond from the big manor house. He saw that she did not have her coat on and that she was not wearing her boots. Only one leg had a sock on and her foot looked pink against the white snow.

On the side of the pizza van there was a clown's face who was obscenely smiling. The two mafiosa drove off towards the Clifton Suspension Bridge, Pizza Face was in close pursuit on his scooter. He could hear thumping noises from the back of the van. Then he could hear a girl screaming.

"Let me go! My boyfriend will be back soon. I'll never buy a shop-bought pizza ever again"

She was a feisty one all right.

Pizza Face remembered the scene from Borat when the Grizzly Bear was trapped in the back of the ice cream van with the fat, Russian guy. He had a sudden urge to smile as he dropped his 30p toll in the booth to the teller on the Clifton Suspension Bridge.

The van drove erratically backwards and forth along the narrow country roads. He could hear the heavily accented Italian voices singing, "Amore";

"When the moon hits the sky like a big piece of pie, it's amore."

He groaned those guys were so corny. All at once the van jerked to a halt and he saw that Goldilocks had managed to escape from the van. However, when she fell out of the back of the transit van, he saw that her black and white football supporters scarf had got caught around her neck. She grabbed her neck but it was too late the scarf had throttled her.

Meanwhile the two Romeos were running around like a pair of headless chickens.

"Mama Mia what will we tell Uncle Alphonso?"

His cousins jumped out of the van and with much gesticulating and shouting they decided to move Goldilocks to the verge at the side of the road. He felt so sad to have been the cause of her demise. If only he hadn't grassed to Uncle Alphonso that she had gone over to the bad side.

The cousins asked Pizza Face for instructions; he told them to cover the ice maiden with snow and leave her in the snow. he was so sad that Bambi was dead.

He decided to drive back to Cannynge Road to check the scene of the crime. Nervously he arrived back at the Bath stone mansion house and he timidly entered the door to the flat. On the table he saw the pesto pizza which was Tescos finest offering.

He felt sad to see an inferior product from a multi-national on her kitchen table. He put the pizza in his ruck sack and decided to take it back to the pizzeria and throw it into the pizza oven to destroy the evidence. On the table were two small bottles of cider he felt like Alice in Wonderland when she saw a bottle saying "Drink Me".

He decided to have a sip and he felt light-headed and he wished that the sparkling liquid could make him forget how the pretty lady who was his best customer came to sticky end.

The morale of this story is don't have your pizza and eat it with cider. If you do you will vanish into the Twilight Zone.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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