As you may know, East London will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012. What you may not know is that many aspects of the games have been specially 'altered' to embrace the culture of the area. A copy of the changes has been leaked from Government sources and is reproduced below.
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city. The flame will be contained in a large, overturned Police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
In previous Olympic Games East London competitors have not been particularly successful, quite the reverse in fact!
In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes.
100 Metres Sprint:
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and Microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a half starved Police dog will be released from a cage 10 metres behind the athletes.
100 Metres Hurdles:
As above, but with added obstacles such as, car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc.
Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc), the winner will be the one who can inflict the most physical damage within three attempts.
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.
Entry into the boxing event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella lager, while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he staggers home pissed! The bout will then commence.
A very strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving Police car or van. In the second round competitors will aim at a Post Office Clerk, Bank Teller, rival gang member or Securicor style wages delivery guard. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either, a Browning automatic pistol or a sawn-off 2 bore shotgun, extra points will be awarded for 'taking out' an innocent bystander by way of a drive by.
Cycling Time Trials:
Competitors will be asked to break into the University of East London bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some 'Mummy's boy' on his first trip away from home-all against the clock.
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Samoan Rugby sevens team, who will not only witness the theft but be totally unfamiliar with British Law regarding retrieval by force!
Amended to include the following categories, mugging, sodomy, rape, flashing, breaking and entering, joy-riding, arson, GBH or any other related item which will be worthy of an ASBO.
All the waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one has been found that can support human life (even briefly) swimming events will be hurriedly arranged to suit. Please note: The synchronized swimming event this year will comprise of dropping 'acid' and watching all the funky ripples on the pool. The specific musical support for this event will be supplied by "Amy Winehouse" and George Michael.
A safe route has yet to be decided.
Men's 50km walk:
Unfortunately this event will have to be cancelled as the Police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Stratford, especially anyone who appears to be mincing.
Regrettably, due to a shortfall in Council funds and the amount of 'manure' already on the streets of Stratford the funding of extra street cleaners to accommodate the anticipated droppings cannot be found, thus the event is cancelled.
Rival ethnic gangs will be bussed into the area and subjected to non-stop racial abuse by the local natives, it is anticipated that this will result in some of the most spectacular wrestling bouts heretofore seen in any previous Olympic Games.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY:
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford 'Mental Health in the Community', anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock throwing with music by the Walthamstow 'Mentally Challenged Community Choir' lead by London Mayor Boris 'fruitloop' Johnson. The flames will be extinguished by riot Police water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham Supporters.
The stadium itself will be boarded up by the Council, before the local athletes break in and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler!
LATEST NEWS: Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to above, but with the Pentathlon modified to include killing a spouse, digging a hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named..... "Calm Down" contest?
NB. TO GUARANTEE THE ENTRY OF ANY ATHLETES FROM THE LOCAL AREA AT ALL, DRUG TESTING HAS BEEN WAIVED FOR THE DURATION OF THE GAMES.