Written by armfeetandtoe

Saturday, 22 January 2011


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image for Fairy Tales for Tourettes Sufferers: Jack and the bean stalk Jack standing at the top of the fucking tree

Once upon a fucking time, there was this single mother who lived in an house with her little bastard of a son named Jack. All they had was a cow that did fuck all.

So, the mother said she would sell the lazy cunt and sent Jack to Southall market to get rid of it.
On the way, Jack met a wanker who tried to buy the cow for a couple of beans, so what does Jack fuckin do? Sells the cow like the divvy bollocks he is.

Well, Jacks mum give him a right fuckin kick in, and done him with a frying pan, the dozy old slag.
She throws the beans out the kitchen window and goes back on the game the dirty slut.

In the morning, jack wakes to find some cunt has planted a fucking great tree outside his drum. So, he does no more, he starts to climb it. Up and up he goes until hes in the fuckin clouds. There in front of him, is this fucking great house, "I'll burgle that shit hole", Thought Jack.

Jack goes up to the door, and out of nowhere comes this fuckin great ugly big cunt! like a fuckin giant! Jack has it away on his toes, an hides in a flower bed.

This bloke starts talking in foriegn, "Fe Fo Fi Fum" and all that shit, an Jacks arse is throbbing.
Jack runs into this geezers house, and straight into the arms of a big fat smelly old bag. She says her husband is a cunt and Jack must hide in the larder.

While Jacks in the larder, he has a gander at a box on the floor, "Fuck me!", He cries, the box is full of gold tom!

Jack grabbed an handful and had it away down the stalk thing. Course, the giant has got the right fucking hump, and starts to follow. Jack gets to the bottom of the tree and sees the ugly moosh coming after him.

"Quick! you miserable bastard!" Jack shouts to his mum, "Give me my fucking axe!".
Jack chopped the tree down, and the giant fell to the ground hitting his nugget on a large rock. The giant was dead. So Jack chopped him up and fucked him off to the pig farm down the road.

Jack and his mum were rich and acted like a pair of cunts, giving it the large for ever after.

The End

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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