Written by Auntie Matter

Friday, 14 January 2011


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image for New Dead Sea Scroll Has Scholars Excited Cave Eleven near Qumran in the West Bank

For years since their discovery in the decade from 1946 to 1956 the 972 texts of the Dead Sea Scrolls have preoccupied scholars daily. Controversial and guarded by Catholic orthodoxy there is none yet so far as exciting as the apocryphal text recently unearthed at Cave Eleven near the Dead Sea. It belongs to Salome Agrippa, a hitherto unknown follower of Jesus Christ and takes the form of a private diary written in Hebrew. The papyrus scroll is very fragmented and will take some time to decipher but here are a couple of extracts from this priceless document.

"Jesus is always taking the piss out of the temple priests and the lawyers. And He never misses a chance to embarrass them. To one lawyer who demanded evidence that He was indeed the Messiah, He said: "Evidence? Are you married Sir?" When the man said he was, Jesus asked: "Show me proof." When the lawyer could not, and everybody laughed at him, he stormed off in a rage saying he would "get" him "if it's the last thing I do, you toothless bastard!" Lawyers are powerful people in this neck of the woods. They can drag you into court and ruin you just for what you say. Thank God, in the world of the future, this scum of the earth will no longer exist. Jesus treats them with utter contempt, calling them "monkeys" and "vipers" and "scavengers" and whatnot and seems to delight in making enemies of them wherever He goes. He is playing with fire but nobody can seem to get Him to see it. We have all tried and failed. Judas has given up for good, he tells me.

Returning to Jerusalem for the Passover He just had to ride in on a donkey of all things, didn't He? He could have led a triumphal processon in a gold chariot if He had wanted. But not Him! He just couldn't resist the chance to make a fool of Himself and everybody else. He lost a lot of friends that day, including me. He thought it was great fun. I ran away with embarrassment and pretended I didn't know Him. And to think I used to dream about marrying Him. I have no intentions of washing His robes for Him ever again or baiting his hooks for Him when he goes fishing! Let that slut Mary Magdalene do it!

But His biggest mistake by far was when He lashed the money-changers out of the temple. My old uncle Amos, who got a severe kick in the arse that day, never forgave Him. Who could blame him? And uncle Amos has friends among the law fraternity. That wasn't very nice I thought. I mean poor Amos didn't even see it coming as he bent down to pick up his coins. He is still walking like a duck. My mother would have had a thing or two to say to Jesus about that, I can tell you! I mean it doesn't cost much to have a bit of manners especially when you are in the temple, does it? He thinks He owns it, He really does. If He didn't stop acting the idiot all the time people might even take Him seriously but the way He is going He is for the chop, most definitely. Taking the piss is what He lives for. It is only a matter of time, really. Can't say I didn't warn Him."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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