LOS ANGELES - The editor of The Tinsel Town Times Tribune, Murgatroyd Latherwick has just released a listing of some of the 2011 new year's resolutions as offered by some of the world's most famous and infamous celebrities, politicians, sports figures, and basic headline grabbers.
Mr. Latherwick noted that although he does not personally know all of the individuals mentioned in the article he has met a lot of them. He commented that one of the persons that he admires the most is Canada's Justin Bieber, who he said is as nice as Naomi Campbell is mean.
2011 New Year's Resolutions From Some Notable Notables
John Boehner - The new Weeper of The House confessed teary-eyed that his new year's resolution is to somehow find the balls to stop crying on camera every time that he opens his mouth to say something.
Glenn Beck - "Me too!"
Justin Bieber - "My new year's resolution is that I give all of my fans my word that when my voice changes and it becomes deeper that I will do everything that I possibly can to still have it sound as amazingly pretty as it always has."
Heidi Montag - "I promise not to have any more plastic surgery done...nah!"
Dick Cheney - "My resolution for the coming year is to go away and stay there thus stopping the senseless spouting of my unsolicited ridiculously bitter rants and raves."
Barbra Streisand - "My new year's resolution is to kick 'Dickless' Cheney's lying WMD (weapons of mass destruction) ass if she fails to keep his new years resolution."
Vice President Joe Biden - "I promise to stop signing my autographs: With Love, Bob Uecker."
Keith Urban - "My resolution for the coming year is to write a country song that is not about my beautiful actress wife Nicole Kidman. I guess, like a lot of folks have mentioned, that nine songs about her in 2010 may have been a wee bit much."
Sarah Palin - "My new year's resolution is to continue to stalk, shoot, skin, and saute caribou, moose, elk, reindeer and any other damn friggin defenseless animal I freakin feel like shooting no matter what the wee-wee PETA people may effen have to frackin say gosh darnit."
Bristol Palin - "I will try to stop talking like my friggin embarrassing mom and quit saying things like "You betcha," "Gosh darnit," "Ya know," "Gee willakers," and "Piper, sweety get your stupid little ass away from that mama skunk NOW!"
Piper Palin - The youngest daughter of Sarah and Todd Palin, who is only nine-years-old, stated that her mommy told her that she is just a little kid and that friggin little kids do not make new year's resolutions.
Brett Favre - "My new year's resolution is to keep on playing football until I am in my 70s and I don't care if I have to use a walker."
Rush Limbaugh - "I hereby plan to lose 100 pounds. Hmmm. Hey who the hell am I kidding. Me losing 100 pounds would be like Amy Winehouse making a commercial for toothpaste - it just ain't gonna fookin happen."
Condoleezza Rice - "I vow to not get upset anymore when young black female's come up to me at malls and ask 'Okay, so sista, how 'bouts ju tellin me what da hell kinda name is Condoleezza anyways huh?'"
Will.i.am. - A member of the Black Eyed Peas noted, "As my new year's resolution I will finally accept the fact that my infatuation with Cheryl Cole is totally and completely one sided. I am finally getting it through my thick skull that she is Derek Hough's future wife and I will stop being a damn, stupid pest and leave the gorgeous woman alone."
Cloris Leachman - "I vow to try and make sure that I put my left shoe on my left foot and my right shoe on my right foot."
Michelle Obama - "My new year's resolution is dat we have peace all over da world. And dat hunger is eliminated. And dat people find jobs. And dat everyone becomes stress free. Oh and also dat da damn birthers finally shut da eff up about my dude Barry not being able ta find his freakin birth certificate and all."
Madonna - "I resolve that for the coming new year I will try not to smile so much because when I do it shows my David Letterman tooth gap and a lot of people make fun of me by saying that I look like David Letterman in drag."
Al Qaeda - The nefarious group has stated that their new year's resolution will be to do away with human suicide bombers and replace them with suicide pigeons.
David Letterman - "Exactly what Madonna said in her entry but just turn the gender around so that I'm the one with the nads...oops...oh I forgot Maddy has nads too. Oh well Happy New Year y'all."
Kara DioGuardi - "Like I mentioned in my Christmas Wish List. My new years resolution is to find me a damn friggin job! I mean it. I can write freakin beautiful songs so someone please hire me. I promise I won't come on to you and grab your wiener like I did with Simon Cowell during the American Idol commercials."
Kate Gosselin - "For my new years resolution I guess that I'll try and not act like the damn middle-aged prima donna - diva that I have become thanks to my little-peckered Korean ex-husband Jon."
Jon Gosselin - "My resolution is not really for me. It is for my effen ex-wife King Kate Gosselin. I sincerely hope that the flaky blonde bitch finds herself a woman, that's right I said a woman, to go with her extremely over-sized clitoris."
Kate Hudson - "I will try my best to overlook all the mean 'Kate has little bitty titties' comments and focus more on the fact that I can cook a mean cheeseburger, sing the Beatles song 'Yesterday' backwards, and have fun all by myself just counting the freckles on my groin region."
Kanye West - "Now lissen up y'all. I don't ever be makin no damn beginning of da year revolutions (sic). And especially now, as I am still one bitter as hell black bro wiff tons of bling bling, who is angry wiff da way Taylor Swift mistreated me and all by not apologizing fo not sayin dat da little white cracker bitch forgave me fo what I done did by accidentally stealin her mic and shit."
Taylor Swift - "I vow to take a course in hip hop Ebonics so that I can hopefully understand at least half of what the jive talking chump ass bro Kanye the Pest be saying and shit y'all. Now how's dat fo a skinny little white girl child trying ta talk like a black dude huh, uh huh dat's what I be talkin 'bout fa shizzle ma nizzle?"
The Yucatan Green Guacamole Drug Cartel - The organization's CEO has made a new year's resolution to speak personally with President Obama about the possibility of purchasing Arizona and making it Mexico's 32nd state.
Gwyneth Paltrow - "I hereby resolve that I, Lady Paltrow, will continue to make guest appearances on Glee as a Spanish teacher and cut down Lindsay Lohan by saying Spanish phrases such as "Don-DE es-TA Lind-SEY Lo-HAN? - Lind-SEY Lo-HAN es-TA en re-ha-bil-i-ta-CION, si?
Randy Jackson - The black judge known as "The Black Dawg" on American Idol stated that for his new year's resolution he will try to limit his use of the worn-out word 'pitchy' to only six times per show.
Naomi Campbell - The Undisputed Queen of Mean, has pledged that for her new year's resolution she will refrain from hitting any of her employees. She thought about it for a moment and then added, "Well at least not when anyone is looking."
The Taliban - One of the groups chief executives has stated that the organization has vowed to open up a franchise in Arizona and one in Alaska.
Willie Nelson - The 84-year-old Austin, Texas native stated that for his new years resolution he will be giving up smoking marijuana...he grinned, chuckled, giggled, took a bite of his pizza, a drink of his Lone Star Longneck Beer, and a puff from his...ah Bugler? and said, "Nopers - so sorry, no can do y'all."
The Ku Klux Klan - The Grand Exalted Dragon Wizard of The Knights of The Off-White Bougainvillea Ku Klux Klan Rayford "Whitey" Giddykoontz has stated that as a new years resolution they will do their very best to see about getting Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, Laura Ingraham, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck, and Naomi Campbell (yes the black sista Naomi Campbell) to become members of their elite organization.
President Obama - The president of the United States of America grinned and said, "Sorry but dis here fella's mouth don't make no promises dat his ass can't keep."
The entire staff of The Tinsel Town Times Tribune would like to wish everyone a Safe and Happy New Year. And please remember to be sure and not forget your automobile when driving home from the party.