Rowling speaks out about being snubbed for Damehood.
This exclusive interview was conducted in an underground bunker just outside of Stuttgart, Germany. Only one camera was allowed and J.K. Rowling's people insisted it be trained on the interviewee's feet throughout. It took place just prior to the release of the latest Harry Potter movie called "Harry Potter Show-Down in the Phonebox... with Dumbledore". As the author explained; "I had to make it clear that gayness is okay unless of course you have Hepatitis B or are suffering from Aids, and you keep well tafuck away from me. I had also to disclose that Dumbledore has only one testicle and so we thought it wise to go to Germany to do research on the sex life of Adolf Hiltler who also boasted one testicle."
The resulting video, made by FU Independent Films, a subsidiary of Murdoch Mind Control Enterprises, was closely edited by Rowling's lawyers, her sister who is also a lawyer, and a representative from Adidas. Her agent Christopher Little was unable to attend as he was in Berlin brokering a deal with his old pal and Jungian expert Patrick Walsh for the building of a Harry Potter Casino to be located in Orlando Florida.The theme of course will be magic with all the croupiers dressed as witches and warlocks. The Little consortium is hoping to amend the Florida State gambling laws to allow kids over twelve to play the roulettes and are working on a new card game specially designed for them called "The Magic Hand".
Arnie Schwarzenegger has been lured out of retirement to take on the bit part of Dumbledore's remaining testicle in the sequel. It is said to be a speaking part but this has yet to be confirmed. It is also rumoured to be one of the longest speaking parts in cinematic history. Another first for Rowling! Little's partner and lawyer Neil Blair was also unable to attend as he had gone on a safari to New Guinea to study the head shrinking techniques of the last surviving cannibals.
Renowned English periodical for book publishers and literary agents "Rip-Off" who financed the video kindly allowed us an unedited excerpt of the interview scheduled to be published after Rowling is acquitted, as expected, of plagiarism charges at London's High Court. The British Union of Journalists have banded together in a unanimous resolution not to cover the case and Little's lawyers Schillings are seeking a High Court injunction to prevent foreign journalists from covering it either. Pope Benedict has given them his blessings.
Q: Joanne. Do your mind if I call you Joanne?
A: That is a privilege I reserve for Harry… er… I mean Neil… my husband. Neil Murray that is... not to be confused with Jo Rowling. That was a joke.
Q: What about Jay Kay then?
A: Bloomsbury suggested "J.K." Rowling so that kids would think I was a man.
A: I'll submit to Kay.
Q: Right then, Kay. Why do you suppose you have been consistently overlooked in the New Years honours lists. After all you have been acknowledged in every other sphere and indeed country there is.?
A: It could be that they know something about me I don't.
Q: What something? Photos maybe?
A: Heavens no! Those have all been bought up and destroyed. I'm afraid I've forgotten. My mind has been kind of… befuddled for quite some time. Is that the right word? Befuddled? (Giggles). Sounds dreadfully sexy. Be...fudd elled... like a fat, dumb, greedy insect crawling up a woman's knickers. Chris would find that dreadfully funny. (Giggles). Sorry, that's my imagination playing tricks again. My imagination has a mind of its own (giggles). So sorry. I'm a genius you know. I could steal your wallet without you even noticing.. not that I would (Giggles). I'm not that type of girl. Really I'm not. I swear.
Q: Why do you think you would deserve a Damehood?
A: Because I spent a long time on the dole in Edinburgh. It was cold there for hours at a stretch... especially when I had to leave my heated upstairs flat to go to the hotel to hook up with Christopher.
Q: But didn't your sister's husband own a posh coffee shop… and your friends… surely they helped out… if you needed help? People live for years comfortably on the dole without any help at all. Your rent and heating is taken care of, food allowance and so on. Indeed, my own family, and there were twelve of us……
A: Stop it! I was poor, really, really, really poor. That's when I received my fundamental insights into suffering humanity... and I have to say it was the worst weekend I ever spent.(Sobs). Is my mascara running? Did you get the running mascara?
Q: Was there nothing you could have done to ease your….. your… plight?
A: I would have written to the newspapers except... I couldn't find a pen that worked.
Q: Isn't that what happened to you when you got your "great idea"… on the train to London?
A: What idea? Oh that idea? Yes of course. How silly of me!(Giggles). Anyway, I was going to write to the papers for free coffee vouchers for single mums but… once again… as you pointed out, I simply could not find a pen and Chris… I mean Christopher… wouldn't loan me one. He is very particular about his pens you know. He keeps a special diamond encrusted gold one always in his top pocket to remind himself of when he couldn't afford gold pens. He uses it to sign film contracts.
Q: Why do you stare at the ceiling when you speak?
A: Was I? Oh dear I am very, very, very sorry. I am so, so, so sorry. I really shouldn't be here you know. Stuttgart is not my favourite place. I had hoped to vacuum the jet. Chris is looking after it in Berlin. It has its own special little hangar. Chris loves to use the vacuum. It reminds him of his team of writers back at the agency. I am so sorry.
Q: That's okay.
A: I thought you were going to call me Kay. What's with the "O"?
Q: Uuh? Well… er… Kay… you haven't answered my question. Why are you staring at your shoes?
A: Was I? No really. I am very, very, so very, very, VERY sorry. I just find it hard to stare into people's faces when I am lying my head off…. which is very, very seldom, as you know because we have told you over and over and over and over! Or are you one of those clever dicks who do not believe what we put out? I never lie. However, I am at my most fraudulent you know, whenever I am lying.
Q: What will you do if you are passed over again in next year's list?
A: I won't be. I subscribe to the royal charities. The "Silence Al-Fayed For Fucksake Society", for instance. The "Give Sinn Fein Enough Power so that They Drink themselves to Death Charity", "The Royal All-English Anti-Racism Society" and the "Legal Aid for Plagiarists Foundation". And of course, "The Sons and Daughters of Prince Philip Global Youth Organization".
Q: But if your friends ….
A: You mean Chris?
Q: Well if Chris couldn't swing it… Kay… or his sidekick… I mean partner… Neil Blair and he failed to… get the... Damehood ....that you surely need to be established as the icon they have designed you to be... then...
A: What would I do? Threaten suicide and cry about it in a couple of carefully planned television interviews, of course, just before the release of my next movie. What do you think I would do? I have already discussed it with Oprah. Anyway, it won't happen.
Q: How can you be so sure?
A: Because the bastards will do what we tell them that's how! Sorry. Did I say that? Oh dear. Chris can arrange anything. You should see him with Geraniums.
Q: Who would you like to interview you?
A: The losers I ripped off. Any one of them. I would just love to see their faces as I remind them of how filthy rich I am and how stupid, gullible and talentless they are! Jesus... sorry. There I go again. Have you ever seen Christopher play polo? We are talking Quidditch, I kid thee not. He waves his stick like a wand. (Giggles convulsively ). That was one of his better ideas... I mean my ideas. Oh dear, I am so sorry... so, very, very sorry. Heil Hitler! Oh dear, I didn't mean to say that. Did I say "Heil Hitler"? I am a paid-up member of the Labour Party you know. Gordon and Peter are my best friends. Whenever there is a Masonic ritual they invite me along. Chris said it would be good for business. I always feel protected when I am around them. Do you think the Fuhrer heard me? Christopher doesn't like me talking to any dictators but him... especially German ones. Is that it? I could really, really murder a Schnapps!