Written by Piglet

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

image for Have You Seen This Man? Missing

Have you seen this man?

He is wanted for his dinner. His name is John and he lives at number 43, Hollow Oaks.

He answers to the name 'John' or 'Dave' or 'Speccy Bob'.

In fact he'll answer to any name so long as you shout it loud enough.

John is a librarian by day, but by night he dons his top hat, coat and tails and dances through the streets, whistling and twirling to all those old time tunes.

John has been arrested twice for public disorder resulting from these night-time larks.

"John? Your dinner is getting cold. It's Brussels sprouts and cabbage - your favourite", his mother said today in a public appeal on local television.

"The drawing is a very good likeness", she added, "I think it captures him in one of his lighter moods.

Sometimes he has a very dark day and mopes about the house hiding bits of cheese and the remote control for the telly..."

Rats in the kitchen!

If you get close enough to him you may be able to slide a weighing scales beneath his feet and confirm it's him by judging whether the man you've snared is in fact 11 Stone 9 pounds.

If it's not, then you should release your captive back into the wild.


"Do you ever have one of those dreams where you're falling", his mother asked awaiting journalists, "Well I often do. That and the one where the pink elephant does the hoovering up after a little dance in my teapot".

If John doesn't return before nightfall, the rabid, slavering dogs will be let loose.

Five hours later, the taloned cats from Mrs. Peabody's at number 87 will be freed from their cages.

After that it's up to the bloodhound turtles.

"I love you, son. I'll always love you. Come back home. Your sprouts are disintegrating, love".

Oink oink.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: missing
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