Tuesday, 27 July 2010

image for The Chelsea Clinton Wedding: The One-Liners The bride and groom, in a romantic walk on the beach

I think that there was a Freudian slip on my invitation to the Chelsea Clinton wedding. Instead of the word "bride," my announcement used the word "bridle."

They used to say that "every" bride looks beautiful on her wedding day. After Chelsea Clinton's wedding, that will probably change to "most" brides.

Yep, Chelsea Clinton's getting married and Bill and Hillary will someday be grandparents. I'll bet they can't wait for the pitter patter of little hooves.

If Chelsea Clinton wants to look less ugly at her wedding, she'll have former first daughter Amy Carter as one of her bridesmaids.

I think that Bill is confused and that his daughter Chelsea isn't really getting married. Don't you call the man that takes care of a horse a "groom?"

Bill Clinton is spending five million dollars on his daughter Chelsea's wedding. How much would he spend if he had a pretty daughter?

Chelsea Clinton and her new husband better go outside of the country for their honeymoon. Most states have animal cruelty and bestiality laws... oh, wait, Chelsea's from Arkansas!

Someone asked Bill Clinton: "Is your daughter really ugly?" Bill said "that depends on what the definition of is is."

Chelsea Clinton is living proof that two wrongs don't make a right.

I hope that Chelsea Clinton had all of her shots before the wedding. She wouldn't want to bite her new husband on the honeymoon and give him rabies, Parvo, or distemper.

I don't think that Chelsea Clinton will carry a bridal bouquet. I think that she'll wear one of those rosey wreaths that they put on Kentucky Derby winners.

I'll bet that when Chelsea Clinton walks down the aisle, they don't play the Wedding March. They'll probably play the theme song from Mr. Ed.

I always thought that Chelsea Clinton was proof that Hillary was sleeping around... but with Secretariat?

I understand that Chelsea Clinton is getting married in New York because Kentucky Blue Grass gives her gas.

I understand that Chelsea Clinton ended up with her groom because, well, even Mr. Ed was charging too much for stud fees.

When the groom first met Chelsea Clinton, I wonder if he looked at her teeth to see how old she was?

Someone should tell the parents of the groom at the Chelsea Clinton wedding "You're not losing a son, you're gaining a thoroughbred."

When Bill Clinton walks his daughter Chelsea down the aisle at her wedding, will he lead her on a leash, or will she have a bit in her mouth?

Some men marry women that are cryers or moaners. I'll bet that Chelsea Clinton's groom discovers that she's a trotter.

I understand that Chelsea Clinton got new shoes for her wedding. I hear that she got a top notch farrier to put them on too!

I feel sorry for the groom that is marrying Chelsea Clinton. He must look at her parents and see dollar signs, but he isn't a very good judge of horse flesh.

I can't decide what to send the bride for a wedding gift. Would Chelsea Clinton like a new diamond studded dog collar or a sack of oats?

I understand that they are putting down carpeting and artificial turf in the tents for the Chelsea Clinton wedding. I guess they don't want her grazing during the reception.

Five million dollars for the Chelsea Clinton wedding? I don't think that the Kentucky Derby winner got that much, and he was better looking than the bride.

Some people are calling the Chelsea Clinton wedding a dog and pony show. Which one is she, the dog or the pony?

They are making a big fuss about the Clintons spending five million dollars on Chelsea's wedding. I'd spend that much to get her out of the house!

I wonder if the Chelsea Clinton wedding will become a television reality show... like "Livestock of the Rich and Famous."

They were going to do a dollar dance at the Chelsea Clinton wedding reception. You know, where everyone pays a dollar to dance with the bride. The problem was that everyone wanted her to keep the veil on.

Chelsea Clinton and her groom haven't decided where to go on their honeymoon. Under consideration are: Dog Canyon, The Horsehead Nebula, a petting zoo, the Bermuda Triangle, and San Diego's Wild Animal Park.

At some weddings, they throw rice. At others, it's bird seed. For Chelsea Clinton, they are throwing Milk Bone Dog Biscuits.

Chelsea Clinton's fiance actually broke the old rule. He got the cow and the milk.

I understand Chelsea Clinton's wedding is near an insane asylum in New York. After the reception, the groom goes back inside.

Chelsea Clinton's groom said that the first time he saw her was when he walked by a restaurant where she was eating. I wonder if he asked "How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?"

Take a guess! No, it isn't chocolate, yellow, angel food, or even red velvet cake. They are serving carrot cake at the Chelsea Clinton reception.

At most weddings, the bride tosses her bouquet. Chelsea Clinton might get in trouble with her farrier is she "throw a shoe" at hers.

Funny, but in traditional donkey shows, it's the woman who has sex with the farm animal. On the Chelsea Clinton honeymoon...

If a mule is the cross between a horse and an ass, what will they call the Chelsea Clinton babies?

Bill and Hillary already have a Clinton family plot for when they die. There isn't a space for Chelsea; she's destined for the glue factory.

After the wedding, Chelsea Clinton isn't just moving on with her life... she's really moo-ving on with her life!

Bill Clinton isn't just giving this bride away... he's making him keep her!

Chelsea Clinton and her husband registered at all of the usual places for wedding gifts... and at a tack and feed store.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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