Written by Lady Godiva

Friday, 16 July 2010

After what seemed like an eternity, but was actually only two days, Newby villagers welcomed their new vicar.

The Mayor and members of the Women's Institute, accompanied by ten other villagers who had won the 'draw' held at the 'Dog and Duck' pub, went down to meet the ferry and welcome their new vicar.

As the ferry docked, only one person was on board standing next to the ferry-man and helping pull on the rope. A slim, good-looking person, wearing a 'dog collar' and carrying a Gucci suitcase (not that any of the villagers knew it was as Gucci).

The mayor stepped forward to welcome the vicar. The vicar
shook the mayor's hand and said,

"Well thank you darling. My name is Terry Towel. I am honoured to have been the one selected to serve the villagers of Newby."

The Mayor and the President of the Women's Institute exchanged suspicious glances - which seemed to say -

"Is this new vicar a man or a woman?"

Indeed, that is exactly what they DID say when they got a minute to talk to each at the vicar's 'welcoming party' held in the 'Dog and Duck'.

The Mayor and the President of the Women's Insitute weren't the only ones whispering behind the new vicar's back.

Comments whispered by villagers were taped by a local reporter covering the 'event':

"Do you see an Adam's apple.....probably covered by the dog collar if the vicar has one."

"Don't you think the vicar's voice is a bit girly?"

"Doesn't the vicar's chest seem to be on the 'large side'"

"Doesn't the vicar remind you of a thin Dawn French?'

Meanwhile, the vicar, oblivious to these comments, carried on enjoying the 'welcome party' the villagers had thrown.

After about an hour, Gladys Sputnik asked the vicar if a visit to the toilet was required.....A cunning plan hatched up by members of The Women's Institute to find out which toilet, Men's or Women's, the vicar would use.

"No, that's fine," answered the vicar, "I'd like to be taken to the vicarage. It's been a long journey and I need a little rest."

Disappointed at not having been able to ascertain the 'sex' of the vicar, the Mayor walked the vicar up to the path of the vicarage and bade the vicar 'Goodnight'.

The vicar called out, "I know what your are all thinking..."

"Really?" asked the Mayor - in a shocked, yet excited, tone of voice, "What are we all thinking?"

"You are all wondering if I'm.................."

At that precise moment, the vicar's voice trailed off as the vicar stepped in a pothole, hitting the 'holy head' on a big rock, thereby rendering the vicar unconscious.

The Mayor said 'F**k' but no-one was there to hear him and he rang the local hospital requesting an ambulance. The ambulance was quickly despatched to take the vicar to the emergency room.

More to follow.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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