Knock,Knock,Knockitty,Knock...Knockitty,Kno.."Alright already...(As he heads towards the door humming the lyrics from the Rolling Stones song,Satisfaction.."I can't get no....no,no,no..hey,hey,hey")..geez,louise"".......(opening the door).."Yeah wadd'ya want"."Hi i'm Mary Contrary,this week and this week only, i am in your neighborhood...which is beautiful,i might add, to sell our brand new product...which by the way,is not even on the market,yet,to a select few ,hand picked,discerning individuals,such as yourself ,for a low,low introductory price of $19.99.....plus,if you by one today i can offer you another at half price and i will throw in a free gift card worth $10.00 off your next purchase of $40.00 or more on any of our new and totally unique products....such as these,our new favorite,Avon Cookies"....."Avon Cookies...what,pray tell,are those ",says Mr. Qweed"Well sir",says Mary,."These cookies are bio-engineered to not only serve as a delicious and beneficial dietary aid which works by forcing your system to reject junk food and fast food,as well as,foods like head cheese,pigs feet and the like,but,to also automatically co-mingle with your DNA over a three day period...which requires you to eat one cookie the first day,right before bed,two cookies the next night,again right before bed and three cookies,of course,the third evening...and before you ask..yes you can take them with milk,on the morning of the fourth day you will wake up with the make-up permanently implanted right on your face,in not only,the right color but,also the right shade for your individual skin type...which i must say,is absolutely radiant"...."Do i look like the type of person who would have even the faintest interest in a product such as this,"says Mr.Qweed in a slightly irritated manner" ." Well,one never knows,sir"replies Mary."Well,for your information not only am i not interested but i am almost insulted,i don't know what you are insinuating,but i don't care for it",screams Qweed,"What do you take me for some kind of freak...or weirdo...come back when you have some high heels,something in red or fuschia"...as he slams the door...SLLLAMMM......"Some people,i just don't understand people at all anymore,it seems as though everyone has a pre-conceived notion as to how i should be,and all i want to be is myself or maybe i could be my neighbor for a day he's got a brand new car,a sexy wife,three kids,two cats a dog and a mortgage payment that could feed a family of four for a year......then,again,maybe not"(he says to himself)..."Sheesh"! 2bContinued
Written by S.P.Carter
Friday, 23 September 2005
the illusive Mr.Qweed
The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!