Written by Lady Godiva

Friday, 2 July 2010

image for Britain's experienced its driest 6 months in 80 years -locals at Morrisons Berwick Hills branch comment Items NOT flying off the shelves at Morrisons

Yes Britain has experienced its driest 6 months in 80 years - depending on where you look of course.

Lady Godiva recently visited her favourite Morrrison's branch in Berwick Hills, Middlesbrough, to see how the locals were feeling about the recent hot spell.

As soon as Lady G. entered the store, the manager, Billy Gormless introduced himself,

"Hiya! A know you don' A? Arv saw yeah torkin' to Takwana and Anitakapita, two of our customers like. Wo' yer doin' now?"

Lady G. explained that she was writing an article about the opinions of locals on the recent heatwave. A follow up article to one she'd written a couple of weeks ago.

"Well Arl be jiggered," Billy Gormless commented, "Would yer like to know wo' A fink about it all? Well Arl tell yeah anyways coz Arm the manager 'ere an' A can boss the others around, even the dozy customers.

Well A found it very ho' I almost 'ad te take me socks off but A resisted coz Arm the magager 'ere an' A can boss the others around bu' 'ave to se' an example fingy an' all.

A rolled me sleeves up and loosened me tie a bi'. A
put on some deodorant from aisle 7, every 2 'ours, coz A was ge'in' ded bloody sweaty like.

Trouble is, most of our customers don't wear deodorant an' stuff, so it go' a bit pongy. We 'ave some dead posh customers too though they star'ed coming shoppin' as soon as we opened in the 'ot weather, coz the shop smelled fresh then.

Ang on a mini' Arv gorra go an' get sho' o' those thievin 'oodies. Christ, they'll be off with me vodka if A don't move fast. Where's tha' freakin' securi'y fella when you won'im?"

Billy ran off in the direction of the alcohol aisles and Lady G. had a chat with a representative of a double glazing firm who was handing out brochures.

This young woman was from Nunthorpe and spoke quite well.

"The recent hot spell? Well I am really enjoying it. We have a new deck and a pool, plus airconditioning in the car and house, so we've been quite comfortable and have enjoyed lots of outdoor barbecuing with friends and family."

Takwana Smith saw Lady G. and interrupted with,

"Wo' yer torkin' to tha' posh sod for. All fur coa' an' no knickers a' be'. Shove off luv. Arl do this interview."

The young woman blushed and moved towards another customer clutching her brochures.

Takwana's interview regarding the heatwave will be coming to the pages of The Spoof very soon.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Weather
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