Written by Inchcock

Thursday, 24 June 2010

image for Security Officers Response's Security Job Applicants

We sent our reporter Inchcock Chambers out in his Skoda Estelle, to interview some Security Guards on the front line, in an effort to formulate a report for the head of the SIA (Security Industry Authority) in the UK, Baron Ruth (I get over £¼m a year salary) Henig. This to give her the opinion of those she is not interested in, the bottom of the pile security officers themselves, on her destruction... I mean manipulation... no I mean managing of the SIA and what affects it is really having. (See www.securitygripes.com for more details)
Here is Inchcocks report:
Thursday: I visited an out of the way site in the Beeston area of Nottingham, to interview Rob Pooper, at a construction site. Unfortunately I could not wake him up.
So I moved on to my next destination, at Long Eaton, an abandoned warehouse, and to talk to Ivan Sprechenbad. I arrived on site, and found Ivan sorting through the bins, he greeted me in his broken English, and I followed him inside the guard-base, and we settled on the settee, and he turned down his 40inch flat screen TV so we could talk. I asked him "How has the SIA policies affected you personally? He answered: "Good man, England win, gut, no problem, want a whiskey?" That was the end of my interview there.
On to a warehouse in the Colwick area of Nottingham, and to interview Richard Gloom. As I approached the reception, he turned off his computer, and fastened his trouser zip up, then greeted me with a firm sweaty handshake, and a smile on his ruddy red face. He made a check call, and set the external alarms, then we settled next to the free drinks machine to have our talk. I asked the standard question, "How has the SIA policies affected you personally? He sneered a little and replied: "They have crippled the industry for small private security providing customers, the only people to benefit are the big ones, who Henig probably has share in - it cost after her diktats and implementation of regulations, a minimum of an extra £1000 to take on and train each prospective new recruit - how can we afford that, it is a plot by the haves against the have not's I can tell yer... oh yes we are losing assignments left right and centre to the big boys now... she wants #‡∞§ing!" So a clear vote against the SIA there!
Onward to an office complex at Ruddington in Nottingham, and Site Supervisor Mark Time. He let me in, and we settle next to his Gameboy, TV, and Health & Beauty collection, made a brew, and commenced. "How has the SIA policies affected you personally? He answered: "Yer, it ain't as good as it wus, cause me shifts 'ave been cut down, everybody's pissed off, un we get not respect yer know?"
Now to put together the report for the Baroness.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
More by this writer
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Go to top
95 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more