Written by Morse

Wednesday, 16 June 2010


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image for Letters From Away to UK Tourist Bureau Just Another Bloody Fooking Tourist from the Colonies!

Dear Sir/Madam

I am looking forward to visiting your country with great anticipation.
Being from Iowa, I am familiar with crop circles, and wonder if you could tell me when the next ones might appear, and if they'll be close to the Cotswold.

Since my husband is a big Iowa Hawkeye fan, if you talk to those circle people, could they do our mascot "Herkey the Hawk' for my husband Scott, he would be thrilled and the people in Iowa City would piss their pants.

Luv Ya.

Mary Su (from Iowa, natch)

Hi Mate!

I'm planning a trip in August and trying to learn everything I can about your country and customs. I don't want to offend anybody, but tell me is it true you can't shout out for a beer in a pub, but have to wink your eye and put your finger up against your nose to get a pint? We call that 'queer' in Arkansas. Just sayin'.

Is there any truth to the rumour that when in a pub starting an argument is a sign of international affection, and that after a few pints no one gives a shit if you're from Wales or Little Rock?

Lastly, when on the tube and following behind a lovely looking bird in a shirt skirt with her knickers showing, just how far is 'the gap' one must maintain before getting officially engaged?

Rocky Rhode/Acadia,Fl

Dear Sir, Ms, Madam: (I'm gender neutral, LOL!)

I have longed to make a trip from my hometown of San Francisco and get away from the rain, fog, and smog, and London seems just perfect!

I would like to get to know a few mates like me, but am wondering if I should hang out at soccer or rugby stadiums. I don't want the boys to think I'm too cheeky, (LOL) but where do you think I have the best chance to score?
BTW: I'm pretty light in my trainers!

Bruce/Pacific Heights

Dear Sir:

I am a sexually active middle school teacher from Seattle who is currently seeking a position in a private academy for young boys in your country.

I notice that your climate is similar to mine and that promiscuous activity between students and teachers is considered a valuable learning experience thanks to your enlightened European attitude mandated by your membership in the European Union. ( I just adore the French!)

I am a strict disciplinarian, proficient in bondage, submission, frog dissection, and am known for wielding a sharp whip...ah, make that Wit.

I am also available for post graduate studies on weekends, and welcome
politicians from all political parties...non denominational dominatrix..that be me!

Please respond to my Box.

Amanda X

Dear Sir:

I am a fledgling writer who's genre is satire and I am planning a trip to your very literate country sometime in August of this year.

If it is not too much trouble, could you hook me up with some of your best blokes noted for satire in the English vernacular and already published, if only on a marginal web site?

I'm willing to stand the first round at a pub of their choice, and my only request is that they're not the violent type after a few pints.

I propose to read a few of my recent minor works, and would welcome their opinion, should they be so kind. Naturally, I would relish the opportunity to hear some their much more polished works and engage in an ernest discussion involving 'slang', punctuation, dialect, and obscure vocabulary!

Have a Good Day!

"Patches"/ Rhode Island

Dear Sir:

I am so excited! I have worked 20 years as a shelf stacker in the Piggly Wiggly Food Store here in Myrtle Beach , SC, to save my money to travel to jolly old England.

My social experiences are very limited, but I am very knowledgeable concerning canned peas, turnip greens, elbow macaroni, grits, fish and chicken coatings and the like.

Could it be possible for you to set me up with the Social Shelf Stacking Singles Group (SSSG) from Morrisons that advertise in Gay Times so I could have someone to 'hang with' during my 3 day visit!

Ever grateful, in advance, you're the best ever....thank you, thank you.

Yours Truly from aisle 8,

Big Martha (my friends call me Freddie)

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