Written by Guy Bellefonte

Not yet published

image for Van Der Sloot's Punishment Determined

Peruvian officials have determined a 5 step punishment process for Van Der Sloot for his involvement in the murder of a young business student and for his previous role in the Halloway murder.

Step #1. Stage an elaborate hoax so he believes he is not being convicted. As he take a few steps of freedom the Punk'd crew shows up to piss on his parade.

Step #2. After the Punk'd crew disperses, Van Der Douche will hold a press conference which will have a direct feed to the prison he will be attending. His statement will read:

Dear Prison Bitches,

I'm tougher, smarter, and stronger than all of you losers combined. I challenge any one of you bitches to fight me, but I know you won't because you're all a bunch of cowards. Oh, and you're all stupid too and your parents are dumb as well. If the guards let me, I will tie one hand behind my back so you idiots have a chance. I demand your respect and I am the new king of the prison and I'll be running the show from now on.

P.S. I do not have, nor do I want any affiliations with prison gangs. I'm a one man show. If you do see me, I expect to be called sir. See ya bitches!

Step #3. Before going to prison, Van Der Douche will be taken to a tattoo parlor. His new tattoo will be proudly placed on the small of his back with an arrow pointing to his backside which reads:

"Hey Prison Retards, I'm Open For Business, Unless You're Scared, You Little Bitch"

Step #4. After the tattoo parlor Van Der Douche will be sent to an empty warehouse where the victim's families can have 20 minutes alone with him, no questions asked.

Step #5. Van Der Douche will take most of the responsibility for the Gulf Oil Spill so that future generations and history books will think of him as an even bigger monster than he is.

Note: All Van Der Douche's are innocent until proven guilty-unless they do things differently in Peru, if so, then T.S.

« Return to your writers' desk

Go to top
57 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more