Written by Mike Monpas

Thursday, 10 June 2010


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image for Helen Thomas Wants Americans Out of North America

Forced to retire after it had been discovered that she had actually been dead for twenty years, former White House correspondent Helen Thomas's biting comments concerning the Israeli/Palestinian conflict still linger in the minds of many reporters of the Jewish faith.

Mike Wallace of CBS's 60 Minutes is still in shock. "All these years I thought she was my friend," said Wallace, "now I've learned that she actually hates my guts because of my religion. That's when I decided I had to interview her."

For Mike Wallace, the subject's status of being dead did not deter him. He has actually been dead for nearly fifteen years himself.

MIKE WALLACE- "So you say you want the Jews to leave Israel and go back to where they came from? Where will they go?"

HELEN THOMAS- "That's right Mike, they can just pack up their dradles and annoying little hats you see some of them wearing and get out. I don't care where they go as long as they get out! For all I care they can go to Poland, or America, or Hell for that matter."

MIKE WALLACE- "Helen, where we are right now, the United States, also has a large population of people whose ancestors did not come from here. We have citizens of Irish, French, German, British, Middle Eastern, African, Asian, actually just about any ancestry you can think of living here. Do you want them to get out of America?"

HELEN THOMAS- "Yeah, I want them to get the fuck out of America, it doesn't belong to them, they have no right to be here. Go back to where the fuck you came from, that's what I say!"

MIKE WALLACE- "Well what if the person was born in Israel and immigrated to the United States? Then what?"

HELEN THOMAS- "Then they don't have a country! They can just fuck off and die!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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