Written by Skoob1999

Wednesday, 2 June 2010

image for More Letters To The Editor Spleen Venting As We Get It

Sir

I see on the news again that we've got another nutter running amok shooting people. This time in Cumbria. What really gets my goat about this kind of thing is that the killer eventually turns the gun on himself. If he would only start at the end and work his way backwards then the first victim of his killing spree would be himself. It would save an awful lot of time and trouble for all concerned. Not to mention man hours.

Percy Sledge, Gretna Green.

Sir

Theo Walcott should think himself lucky he hasn't been included in the World Cup squad. I once saw a video taken in South Africa. These blokes slung a tire round this poor chap's neck, poured petrol in it, and set fire to his head.
Heaven knows what would happen if Walcott had missed a penalty.

W A Mozart, Darlington.

Sir

The other day I went into electrical retailer Comet and a sales assistant approached me asking if he could help. Nerdy looking twerp he was, with bad skin. When I told him that I had a broken thumb and a hangover and that two paracetomol and a couple of pints would come in handy, the little sod looked at me as though I were a criminal and hurried away. So much for our so-called 'service industry.'

M Shuttlecock, Titchfield.

Sir

I called a landscape gardener in the other day. His advertising said that he'd beat any quote. When I quoted that the BBC's Groundforce team would do the work for nothing he gave me a right mouthful, hopped in his van and sped away. Some people just don't want to work for nothing.

Alice Blunt, Hastings

Sir

Some people can be so ungrateful. A friend of mine who works at the sewage plant and has the most terrible flatulence, didn't half get the hump when I bought him a space suit as a gift. Now he won't take my calls. Fucking ingrate.

Cocoa Pop Chanel, Bridlington

Sir

When pop diva Whitney Houston sang that she'd found the greatest love of all, it wasn't until a friend pointed out that she was possibly referring to cocaine that the truth hit me. The cocaine obviously didn't love her back, going by the state of her.

Arnold Cramp, Crouch End

Sir

Re that shooting spree mentioned earlier by Mr Percy Sledge. I've just heard that the bloke responsible has been found dead, after killing at least five people, including himself. I don't understand why he didn't just go to that Dignitas clinic in Switzerland, or just shoot himself in private. Some people just go out to cause trouble. Inconsiderate bastard.

Benny King, Keswick.

Sir

With all the money that Simon Cowell's got, I find it gobsmackingly incredible that he spends so much time watching crap acts and crap singers. Surely with all the dosh he's got he could afford to go to a better class entertainment venue.

Eric Pike, Gateshead.

Sir

I believe that the solution to violent crime and dangerous dogs could be solved overnight if the government issued everybody with a shooting stick. With a big blade concealed in the other end. That way, anybody confronted by a potentially violent assailant could simply shoot or stab them. And they'd look pretty cool too in a Fred Astaire type way.

Millie Vanilla, Leicester

Sir

Having heard the news that old time comedy star Eddie Large doesn't talk much to his old straight man Syd 'Supersonic' Little these days, I can't say I blame him. Syd always was a boring little fart, whereas Eddie was always...well...Large...

Nora Van Wankkrammp, Shrewsbury

Sir

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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