Written by Erskin Quint

Saturday, 29 May 2010

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image for Kristen Stewart Is Trailer Trash Constipation Chic, circa 1930

Pasty po-faced Twilight sulk-Queen Kristen Stewart is enjoying having a clean horizon, as the end of the Twilight saga approaches, and - though Kristen could never be accused of anything so non-cool as public thinking or any other kind of publicly effortful activity - it's fascinating to try to peer through the elegant skeins of Camel smoke at the washed-out waif and decipher her brattish behaviour and ask yourself: "Can Kristen cut it, post-Twilight?", writes dangerouslystupid.web web Queen Lucy Musk.

Stewart's latest fashion shoot for Pout Magazine - in which the slender siren of sulkiness toys with faux skank chic - offers the keen voyeur a sneak peek at the cool concepts stagnating inside her porcelain-pretty doll's dome.

For the Pout feature, Kristen dons a series of ultra shitty costumes, has her greasy hair pushed back in a toy mohawk, holds a Camel cigarette and stares vacantly vacuously and sniffily snottily into the fetid space of a tawdry, tatty pretend trailer home.

There she is wrapped in aluminium foil, with her skinny legs Bambi-akimbo, asleep on the trailer's chemical toilet. Here she sits and glowers, with a long-ashed Camel cigarette between her bloodless lips, wrapped in a Joan Jett-black dustbin liner, skeletal legs Bambi-akimbo, straddling the trailer's chemical toilet.

And now she's all smouldering-sensual, daring the camera - and us - to approach. Kristen is perched, palely-ghostwhite and straining, on the disgusting chemical toilet. The sheer sulky sexy chic of her pallid crack-fucked mask, its clenched and crusted nostrils and black voids of slaughterhouse cattle eyes are waiting, waiting.

For what? "This is so cool of a shoot", she moans. "It takes me, like, back to Into The Wild and that whole cool trailer vibe.

"And Joan Jett. Like, yeah. It's like, kind of. Make decrepit stuff look nice. That's so cool of a concept, you know?"

She sighs, her eyes roll within her bland mask like those of a stricken bullock. She takes a deep draught of Camel smoke. Lifts her moonmilky visage up, above the Arizona dust. For Kristen is trying to think.

"Inner beauty? Yeah, like, there must be a, a. Kind of some idea of what that might...." Shakes her filly's head, whinnies a little. Gazes, for comfort, towards the chemical toilet. Inspiration comes at last.

"Yeah. Like, what the fuck is inner beauty, yeah?" Is she laughing? Is this irony? Is she terrified? Does she sense the great abyssal void at the centre of our so-called civilisation? "Most of the guys I've been out with are kind of funny and dorky. Kind of.

"Yeah, it's a kind of a responsibility. I feel responsible to be such an icon. An iconic role. I feel that."

But that's enough of thought for one shoot. Kristen sits once more on the chemical toilet. This time the door is shut. We can only guess at the monumental efforts she might be making in the only place she is truly herself.

But what do you think? What does the K-Stew Forum tell us?


"She looks HOT!" - victim2333 - Lesbos, Winsconsin

"Kristen is so pretty & cool" - nickclegg - UK

"She'll always be Bella. She's always the angst girl. She can't do anything else." - Kenneth Tynan - BBC, England

"a rEel durrti sluTT hore smakhedd..Gitt them skinny legz wide an Ill furk yo pussi so hard till you fkukn dii traylerr trasH bitCH" - Bubba666 - Braindead, Idaho

"Hi babe. I'm the Crossbow Cannibal. Hit me with PM. I'm going nowhere. Do you want to see me swallow a rat? I'm a real demon." - Ven Pariah - Bradford, W Yorks.



As for me, dear blog-goggler, well, what may I offer in conclusion?

Surely, it's clear as Twilight's numinous gloaming may make it. Just look. For those who have eyes to see, 'tis all there to be seen (for those who do not, there is nothing).

Kristen is the frustrated, constricted curmudgeoness. The Queen of constipation. Court her while she's hot, you purveyors of bowel-loosening nostrums. You'll never get a sexier salesgirl, or a more in-vogue vendoress.

It'll be a bonny blocked bowel bounty with this baleful beneficient beauty as your bony benefactress, importunate laxative businesspersons!

Kristen, you're truly a phenomonon.

To be Kristen takes phenomenal constipation.

It is the times, it is the times.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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