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image for The State of the Onion Address: George W. Bush Quotes "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -- 08/17/93

It's funny how stuff accumulates like sediment. When I first considered posting these George W. Bush quotes, I thought, "That's sort of a cop out." I didn't think it would be much work, you see, not like writing an actual magazine article. Just a simple cut and paste job, right?

Well, not exactly. I started collecting these Dubya quotes as an unpublished story well over a year ago, mainly so I could drag them into the discussion forum via my "tag line." Though I eventually stopped torturing everyone, I still have a random Bush quote generator on my Google home page, so I still collect one from time to time.

I first posted the collection as a sort of random "best of" list after I'd culled a few billion. Now, the remaining million or so have been transformed into a speech -- that I am still working on. In fact, at this point, I think I can say without any hesitation that I've put way more work into this speech than Dubya ever put into one of his. Is it worth the measly 72 views it's garnered so far? You be the judge.

It still makes me laugh, and half of those views are mine!

Disclaimer: I came across a number of fake Dubya quotes online. I'm reasonably sure all of these are legit, which is why I included only dated quotes. I can assure you I verified the accuracy and authenticity of all information to a level I consider, if nothing else, at least sufficient for the Bush administration.

"Well, here goes nothing."

The San Francisco Onion



"I want to thank you for taking time out of your day to come and witness my hanging."

at the dedication of his portrait in Austin, TX


"It's good to see so many friends here in the Rose Garden. This is our first event in this beautiful spot, and it's appropriate we talk about policy that will affect people's lives in a positive way in such a beautiful, beautiful part of our national - really, our national park system, my guess is you would want to call it."


"Listen, I want to thank leaders of the -- in the faith -- faith-based and community-based community for being here."


"I don't feel like I've got all that much too important to say on the kind of big national issues."


"I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport."


"This is an impressive crowd -- the haves and the have-mores. Some people call you the elites. I call you my base."


"As you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say."


"Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."


"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."


"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."


"My relationship with this good man is where I've been focused, and that's where my concentration is. And I don't regret any other aspect of it. And so I -- we filled a lot of space together."


"He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me."


"I was raised in the West. The West of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."


"The administration I'll bring is a group of men and women who are focused on what's best for America, honest men and women, decent men and women, women who will see service to our country as a great privilege and who will not stain the house."


"It is white."

after being asked by a child in Britain
what the White House was like


"We look forward to analyzing and working with legislation that will make -- it would hope -- put a free press's mind at ease that you're not being denied information you shouldn't see."


"One of the interesting initiatives we've taken in Washington, D.C., is we've got these vampire-busting devices. A vampire is a -- a cell deal you can plug in the wall to charge your cell phone."


"Ours is the first administration in a long time that has laid out a vision for a secure energy policy for America. It talks about the need to conserve, and to use technologies to bring more efficiencies to the use of energy."


"This is Preservation month. I appreciate preservation. This is what you do when you run for president. You've got to preserve."

at an elementary school
that was celebrating Perseverance Month


"The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants."


"We're spending money on clean coal technology. Do you realize we've got 250 million years of coal?"


"I want to remind you right quick what this country has been through, and the challenges this economy had faced over the last three years. First, we went through a recession. That means we were going backwards."


"It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce."


"We want anybody who can find work to be able to find work."


"This has been tough weeks in that country."


"The march to war hurt the economy. Laura reminded me a while ago that remember what was on the TV screens -- she calls me, 'George W.' -- 'George W.' I call her, 'First Lady.' No, anyway -- she said, we said, march to war on our TV screen."


"I think war is a dangerous place."


"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were. It was us vs. them, and it was clear who them was. Today, we are not so sure who they are, but we know they're there."


"The Ambassador and the General were briefing me on the... the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice."


"I was not pleased that Hamas has refused to announce its desire to destroy Israel."


"Security is the essential roadblock to achieving the road map to peace."


"More Muslims have died at the hands of killers than - I say more Muslims - a lot of Muslims have died -- I don't know the exact count - at Istanbul. Look at these different places around the world where there's been tremendous death and destruction because killers kill."


"People say, how can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil? You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you."


"See, we love, we love freedom. That's what they didn't understand. They hate things; we love things. They act out of hatred; we don't seek revenge, we seek justice out of love."


"I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy."


"When I take action, I'm not going to fire a $2 million missile at a $10 empty tent and hit a camel in the butt. It's going to be decisive."


"We need to counter the shockwave of the evildoer by having individual rate cuts accelerated and by thinking about tax rebates."


"The law I sign today directs new funds and new focus to the task of collecting vital intelligence on terrorist threats and on weapons of mass production."


"As a matter of fact, we increased expenses, particularly in two areas - the military. If I put somebody in harm's way, they're going to get the best, as far as I'm concerned."


"In my judgment, when the United States says there will be serious consequences, and if there isn't serious consequences, it creates adverse consequences."


"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful -- and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people -- and neither do we."


"I can press when there needs to be pressed. I can hold hands when there needs to be... hold hands."

explaining how he is capable
of handling the Middle East peace process


"There's no doubt in my mind that we should allow the world worst leaders to hold America hostage, to threaten our peace, to threaten our friends and allies with the world's worst weapons."


"The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself."


"He was a state sponsor of terror. In other words, the government had declared, 'you are a state sponsor of terror.'"


"And they have no disregard for human life."


"The best way to find these terrorists who hide in holes is to get people coming forth to describe the location of the hole, is to give clues and data."


"The truth of that matter is, if you listen carefully, Saddam would still be in power if he were the president of the United States, and the world would be a lot better off."


"Let me put it to you bluntly. In a changing world, we want more people to have control over your own life."


"This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mential losses."


"Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment."


"We are fully committed to working with both sides to bring the level of terror down to an acceptable level for both."


"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy but that could change."


"And one of the things we've got to make sure that we do is anything."


"Please just don't look at part of the glass, the part that is only less than half full."


"Because of your work, children who once wanted to die are now preparing to live."


"It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet."


"Will the highways on the internet become more few?"


"You've heard Al Gore say he invented the Internet. Well, if he was so smart, why do all the addresses begin with W?"


"The fact that (Gore) relies on facts -- says things that are not factual -- are going to undermine his campaign."


"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign."


"If I decide to run, it will be to restore the promise of America. And I'll define what that means later."


"I do not believe we've put a guilty... I mean innocent person to death in the state of Texas."


"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program."


"My plan reduces the national debt, and fast. So fast, in fact, that economists worry that we're going to run out of debt to retire."


"It's your money. You paid for it."


"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."


"We ought to make the pie higher."


"If you've got a chicken factory, a chicken-plucking factory, or whatever you call them, you know what I'm talking about."

commenting on the jobs of illegal immigrants


"Just remember it's the birds that's supposed to suffer, not the hunter."


"A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness."


"You know, when you give a man more money in his pocket -- in this case, a woman more money in her pocket to expand a business, it -- they build new buildings. And when somebody builds a new building somebody has got to come and build the building. And when the building expanded it prevented additional opportunities for people to work."


"And so the fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place."


"And I suspect that what you'll see, Toby, is there will be a momentum, momentum will be gathered. Houses will begat jobs, jobs will begat houses."


"My thoughts are, we're going to get somebody who knows what they're talking about when it comes to rebuilding cities."

on how the rebuilding of New Orleans might commence


"I would have my secretary of treasury be in touch with the financial centers, not only here, but at home."


"I also have picked a secretary for Housing and Human Development."


"We'll be a great country where the fabrics are made up of groups and loving centers."


"We will stand up for terror -- we will stand up for freedom."


"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it."


"It'll be hard to articulate."


"I think younger workers--first of all, younger workers have been promised benefits the government--promises that have been promised, benefits that we can't keep. That's just the way it is."


"Compassionate conservatism [is] most importantly, making sure that government is not the answer to people's problems."


"In other words, I don't think people ought to be compelled to make the decision which they think is best for their family."


"You're free. And freedom is beautiful. And, you know, it'll take time to restore chaos and order -- order out of chaos. But we will."


"This thaw -- took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw."


"One year ago today, the time for excuse-making has come to an end."


"More than two decades later, it is hard to imagine the Revolutionary War coming out any other way."


"That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three -- three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?"


"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."


"Bill wrote a book at Yale. I read one."


"The students at Yale came from all different backgrounds and all parts of the country. Within months, I knew many of them."


"We had a chance to visit with Teresa Nelson who's a parent, and a mom or a dad."


"She was neat."

regarding meeting Queen Elizabeth II


"We've had a great weekend here in the Land of the Enchanted."

addressing residents of New Mexico, "Land of Enchantment"

May 12, 2003

"I like to tell people, Laura and I are proud to be Texas -- own a Texas ranch, and for us, every day is Earth Day."


"I've got very good relations with President Mubarak and Crown Prince Abdallah and the King of Jordan, Gulf Coast countries."


"My trip to Asia begins here in Japan for an important reason. It begins here because for a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times. From that alliance has come an era of peace in the Pacific."


"Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better."


"Keep good relations with the Grecians."


"The German asparagus are fabulous."


"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."


"Boy, they were big on crematoriums, weren't they?"


"Kosovians can move back in."


"What I'm suggesting to you is, if you can't name the foreign minister of Mexico, therefore, you know, you're not capable of what you do. But the truth of the matter is you are, whether you can or not."


"Amigo! Amigo!"

calling out to Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi
in Spanish at the G-8 Summit


"One of the most meaningful things that's happened to me since I've been the governor - the president - governor - president. Oops. Ex-governor. I went to Bethesda Naval Hospital to give a fellow a Purple Heart, and at the same moment I watched him - get a Purple Heart for action in Iraq - and at that same - right after I gave him the Purple Heart, he was sworn in as a citizen of the United States - a Mexican citizen, now a United States citizen."


"Wow! Brazil is big."


"Do you have blacks, too?"

to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso


"We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease."


"It's very interesting when you think about it, the slaves who left here to go to America, because of their steadfast and their religion and their belief in freedom, helped change America."


"The Bob Jones policy on interracial dating, I mean I spoke out on interracial dating. I spoke against that. I spoke out against interracial dating. I support the policy of interracial dating."


"I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think vulcanize society."


"I'm a uniter not a divider. That means when it comes time to sew up your chest cavity, we use stitches as opposed to opening it up."

on David Letterman, who had just had open heart surgery
the audience booed


"As you can possibly see, I have an injury myself -- not here at the hospital, but in combat with a cedar. I eventually won. The cedar gave me a little scratch."

After visiting with wounded veterans from the
Amputee Care Center of Brooke Army Medical Center


"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."


"What I'm telling you is there's too many junk lawsuits suing too many doctors."


"The trial lawyers are very politically powerful... but here in Texas we took them on and got some good medical... medical malpractice."


"It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then."

reflecting on growing up in Midland, Texas


"And so, in my State of the... my State of the Union, or state... my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation... I asked Americans to give 4,000 years... 4,000 hours over the next, the rest of your life, of service to America."


"In all due respect, I'm not so sure it's credible to quote leading news organizations about... Oh, never mind."


David Fink: "When you're not talking about politics, what do you and your father talk about?"

Bush: "Pussy."


"Then I went for a run with the other dog and just walked. And I started thinking about a lot of things. I was able to -- I can't remember what it was. Oh, the inaugural speech, started thinking through that."

Pre-inaugural interview


Bush: "I talked to my little brother, Jeb - I haven't told this to many people. But he's the governor of - I shouldn't call him my little brother - my brother, Jeb, the great Governor of Texas."

Jim Lehrer: "Florida."

Bush: "Florida. The state of the Florida."


"Anyway, I'm so thankful, and so gracious - I'm gracious that my brother Jeb is concerned about the hemisphere as well."


"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods."


"All I was doing was appealing for an endorsement, not suggesting you endorse it."


"I understand small business growth. I was one."


"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."


"They misunderestimated me."


"They have miscalculated me as a leader."


"As Governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards."


"It's a school full of so-called at-risk children. It's how we, unfortunately, label certain children. It means basically they can't learn. It's one of the best schools in Houston."


"Reading is the basics for all learning."


"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."


"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"


"Laura and I really don't realise how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis."


"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."


"It is time to set aside the old partisan bickering and finger-pointing and name-calling that comes from freeing parents to make different choices for their children."


"If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator."


"I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well."


"There is some who say that perhaps freedom is not universal. Maybe it's only Western people that can self-govern. Maybe it's only, you know, white-guy Methodists who are capable of self-government. I reject that notion."


"I refuse to be sucked into your hypnotheoretical arguments."


"There is a lot of speculation and I guess there is going to continue to be a lot of speculation until the speculation ends."


"It's no exaggeration to say the undecideds could go one way or another."


"When it comes to the overall story, the long-term view of the campaign, it's so important for the campaign to set the long-term view."


"I don't know whether I'm going to win or not. I think I am. I do know I'm ready for the job. And, if not, that's just the way it goes."


"See, one of the interesting things in the Oval Office -- I love to bring people into the Oval Office -- right around the corner from here -- and say, this is where I office, but I want you to know the office is always bigger than the person."


"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office."


"You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you're gone."


"It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber."


"There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Fool me... you can't get fooled again."


"I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans."


"I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace."


"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."


"I wish I wasn't the war president. Who in the heck wants to be a war president? I don't."


"Sometimes, words have consequences you don't intend them to mean. 'Bring 'em on' is the classic example."


"And everybody wants to be loved - not everybody, but - you run for office, I guess you do. You never heard anybody say, 'I want to be despised, I'm running for office.'"


"Never again in the halls of Washington, D.C., do I want to have to make explanations that I can't explain."


"But all in all, it's been a fabulous year for Laura and me."

three months after the 9/11 attacks


"I think the American people -- I hope the American -- I don't think, let me -- I hope the American people trust me."


"I trust God speaks through me. Without that, I couldn't do my job."

to a group of Amish he met with privately


"I don't bring God into my life to-to, you know, kind of be a political person."

Interview with Tom Brokaw aboard Air Force One


"I feel like God wants me to run for President. I can't explain it, but I sense my country is going to need me. Something is going to happen."

to evangelist James Robinson,
according to Stephen Mansfield
in "The Faith of George W. Bush"


"I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves."


"A political candidate who jumps to conclusions without knowing the facts is not a person you want as your Commander-in-Chief."


"The people in Louisiana must know that all across our country there's a lot of prayer, prayer for those whose lives have been turned upside down. And I'm one of them."


"I don't care what the polls say. I don't. I'm doing what I think what's wrong."


"I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe I believe what I believe is right."


"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question."


"The important question is, How many hands have I shaked?"


"I would have to ask the questioner. I haven't had a chance to ask the questioners the question they've been questioning."


"I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it.…I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with an answer, but it hadn't yet. I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't - you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one."

after being asked to name the biggest mistake he had made


"I think it's very important for the American President to mean what he says. That's why I understand that the enemy could misread what I say. That's why I try to be as clearly I can."


"I'm the master of low expectations... I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things."


"I've coined new words, like, misunderstanding and Hispanically."


"One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected."


"If a person doesn't have the capacity that we all want that person to have, I suspect hope is in the far distant future, if at all."


"I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here."


"I will never apologise for the United States of America -- I don't care what the facts are."


"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."


"You're all going to hell."

joking about what he would have said to Israeli Jews
upon arriving in the Middle East in 1993


"Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter."

parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and
French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-8 Summit,
punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock


"Put the 'off' button on."


George W. Bush
First American President to Obtain a
Master of Business Administration (MBA)
Harvard Business School

"P.S. No more public scatology."

in a letter to Harriet Miers


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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