Written by Timothy Jesuit

Sunday, 16 May 2010

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An shocking untransmitted interview between David Cameron and Andrew Marr has been leaked to the press.

The full transcript can be seen below.


DC: Hello there, hi, nice to see you again.

AM: Hello.

DC: It's good that you're talking to me now, actually. Better than if you were talking to me earlier. We were very busy earlier.

AM: Oh, right.

DC: Also, we're going to be very busy later, too. So it's good that you're talking to me now.

AM: Yes, yes, I should imagine it is.

DC: It's a very active business, running a government.

AM: Well, yes. A coalition one, at that.

DC: Keeps us all on our toes.

AM: I'd imagine it does.

DC: But we can handle the workload, there's no question about that.

AM: Right. Now I've been reading through this document...

DC: ...which I've definitely read.

AM: Sorry?

DC: I've read that. Cover to cover.

AM: Well, I should think so. After all, you did produce it.

DC: Yes. Go on, ask me anything.

AM: Ah. Well, I was hoping to get your thoughts on...

DC: Sorry, Jeremy, can I interrupt you there?

AM: My name's Andrew. You've been on here before, David.

DC: Oh yes, yes. Andrew, can I tell you a secret?

AM: Well, no.

DC: Oh.

AM: Logistically, I mean. We're in front of millions of people, for a start.

DC: Yes. Yes, I see what you mean.

AM: Is there something you'd like the nation to know?

DC: Look, I'm an honest man. Wouldn't you say?

AM: I would say, in my experience…

DC: What it comes down to is this, Andrew. Basically, I haven't done any work since I got into office.

AM: Excuse me, Mr. Prime Minister?

DC: Coalition Prime Minister.

AM: Even considering, that's quite a claim. How have you managed to hold the highest office in the land without doing any work?

DC: Well, firstly, let's just calm down. I definitely meant to...I mean, there's all this deficit business and we're supposed to be "reviewing" the voting system, whatever that means, but...Andrew, have you ever had so much to do you didn't know where to start?

AM: ...yes, I suppose, once or twice, but…

DC: ...well, that's sort of where I'm "at", at the moment. It's all a bit difficult.

AM: But what about scrapping ID cards? Appointing your cabinet? Negotiating with Nick Clegg? You appear to have done that in the past few days.

DC: Yes, it's extraordinary isn't it? These things do get done somehow. Frankly, part of me is wondering if I shouldn't just continue not doing anything.

AM: Well. I mean, these are…these are quite astonishing revelations. You are aware that this is going to dominate news cycles for the foreseeable future?

DC: Is it?

AM: The Prime Minister hasn't done anything since he got into office! That's what they'll all say.

DC: Bugger. Well...can I go now, then? I'd really better get cracking on all this.

AM: But I'm down for half an hour.

DC: Please?

AM: Well, I suppose if it's in the interest of the country...

DC: Thanks.

(Cameron runs off)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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