Sometimes women say the funniest things. They don't mean to, but they do. And women just love asking their husband's questions which are virtually impossible to answer.
The solution to this is to state the bleedin' obvious.
"What are you thinking about?"
Why? Why do they ask this question? An honest answer can only lead to trouble. Suggested response:
"You don't want to know. It's too terrible. If I told you, it would only hurt you deeply, and I don't really want to do that. So please, just don't ask."
Another commonly asked stupid question is:
"Are you coming shopping with me?"
Why? How on earth would I possibly keep myself even vaguely distracted as I follow you around a giant supermarket for four hours, watching you squeeze loaves of bread you have no intention of buying, and comparing pickles you'll never use because you already have a cupboard full of the bloody things? And crap tee-shirts with Pele on the front, which seem like a good idea until you realise that Pele is the current face of 'male erection problems.' Suggested response to this question:
"No." (Firmly and unequivocally stated.)
Another classic 'stupid question' is:
"Are you hungry dear?"
They usually ask you this one on Sunday afternoons, about ten minutes after you've just forced down the calorific equivalent of the national debt, and you've got custard leaking out of your earholes, mint sauce in your hair, and you're setting up the emergency oxygen tent because you're experiencing breathing difficulties. Suggested response (executed with maximum sarcasm):
"Yes love. I'm fucking starving. Break out the shotguns and we'll see if we can bag some buffalo. I am feeling a bit peckish now that you mention it."
And of course, the all-time classic:
"Are you drunk?"
You have to be careful with this one. Sometimes it's for the best to say nothing. One suggestion is to slump down in your favourite chair, move your mouth as if you're trying to say something, but can't quite manage it.
Then, with a sweeping arm gesture, taking in the coffee table you just smashed when you fell on it, the bandage they put on your head in Casualty, the Fixed Penalty Fine ticket for being 'drunk and incapable' the stuffed deer head you stole from some pub or other, your new collection of traffic cones, and the stray dog who followed you in when you were grappling with the front door lock, (who is by now pissing up the curtains) simply say:
And then lapse into a coma.
Up next - The Day After.