Written by Creepy McSordid

Tuesday, 5 July 2005

image for Number 43 Scores 217 on I.Q. Test A brilliant, brilliant man

President George W. Bush has taken an I.Q. test last week as part of a dare by former President Bill Clinton. When the results were returned to President Bush the score was determined to be 217 which is just under the highest I.Q. ever recorded of 228 (Marilyn vos Savant American writer, b 1946).

This news comes as a complete shock to not only the American public but also the rest of the world. When asked yesterday by a spokesperson for Mensa International why he kept his superior intellect a secret, President Bush responded, “Well, to tell the truth, I am working on so many other projects I just let my staff run things as far as the country is concerned. No one bothers me because they think I am a stupid Texan and a backwater idiot who side stepped his National Guard duty 20 years ago. It works well for everyone since the American public now feels superior to their own Commander in Chief and I get to work on finalizing my theory on 7th dimensional fractal mathematics”.

Jonas Newburg, a reporter with the “Washington Post” asked how this information could have been kept private for so long, especially when most powerful office in the world needs someone with a gifted intellect and flawless skills in diplomacy. “Well, remember that whole ‘cocaine’ incident when the media accused me of doing drugs? I have six words for you: heat absorbing ceramic hybrid ball bearings. This was a first generation research project which I headed during my time at Yale. I was in the accelerated nuclear physics class under the name “George Walker” and was able to successfully arrive at the chemical composition which enabled small ceramic pills to absorb and dissipate excessive heat. The ceramic residue on my clothing after physics lab was jokingly referred to as ‘cocaine’ by my roommate, Phil, who later became a stand up comedian in Reno.”

The “New York Times” correspondent Michael Whitman asked if President Bush was alone in being such a brilliant man to hold the highest office in the nation. “Oh, you’d be shocked, really. Bill [Clinton] was working on an advanced global economic theory which leveraged many of Nicola Tesla’s ideas of ‘free energy’ and I think Bill finished this during the whole Monica Lewinski scandal. In fact that entire Monica faux pas was really just a bet Bill lost to Al Gore; Bill had never even talked to Monica and they’d actually never met. Gore just dressed up as “Linda Tripp” staged the whole thing and had a huge laugh at Bill losing that Redskins bet when the Giants played at RFK Stadium in December of ‘95.”

President Bush went on further to say, “Actually speaking of Al Gore, he actually DID invent the internet. Al and Tim Berners-Lee were pen pals since Al’s days at Harvard. As you know, Al’s room mate was actor Tommy Lee Jones and Tommy told Al to start making contacts outside the U.S. since Al loved communications technology. Al came up with the idea of merging all the communications “backbones” from each of the major university’s science departments as a way of sharing research uncovered by the staff professors. Tim asked Al if they could work on a thesis to present together at Oxford University since Tim was still in middle school at the time. Al said he was going to Vietnam where he later served as a war correspondent. He told Tim to ‘run with it and see what happens’ when it came to the entire idea of global electronic communications exchange.”

Most of the media representatives who were not stunned into silence had to be revived by Emergency Medical Technicians which the White House keeps on call at all times.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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