Written by Jesus Budda

Sunday, 21 February 2010

image for The Interesting World of Cats Cats at work

Cats come in many sizes. Big, small, slighter bigger than small, slighter smaller than big, fat ones, skinny ones, ones with lots of hair, ones with no hair, ones with hair in places that they really shouldn't have hair in, and so forth.

Cats have been known to meeeeow. On several occasions I have heard this distinctive sound emanating from the frontal section of said animal's body (generally referred to as 'the face'). Cats have various vocal signatures, each used for particular situations or combined to create a form of animalistic verbal communication.
The key signatures of 'cat speak' are as follows:

(SOUND/MEANING)
Meeeeow - I am a hungry creature
Purrrrrrr - You are my friend. I love you, human.
Meeeeowwwwww - I am in some form of pain. Help me, human.

Cats were once worshiped as Idols in ancient regions of the World. These cats were pampered creatures whose every need was cared for and dealt with. Modern cats still occupy this regal position in society. The modern cat often seeks a willing slave in the form of an elderly lady.
Cats also place themselves in positions of importance by sitting on the laps of powerful individuals and purring (see 'Sound/Meaning' table). Examples include the cat stroked by Dr. Evil in the James Bond series of films, presidential cats in modern Americaland and those cats that run cat food companies.

Although generally successful in their quest for domination, certain cats fail through either overpopulation of cats, living in a cat-hating world (Asia, Liverpool) or simply being ugly, dirty, scrawny beasts. These cats are banished and must seek shelter amongst fellow 'untouchables' in back street alleys and dustbins. These cats become angry at society and plot revenge. Many diseases such as AIDS, CHOLORA, MUMPS and FLAKY SCALP come from such cats.

Cat drowning is a popular hobby amongst certain sections of society. Many local organisations have been formed dedicated purely to this pursuit. Hence, the common myth has been propagated that cats fear water. This is untrue. Cats like water - they just fear drowning in the stuff.

Another myth is that cats have nine lives. Cats only have one life and it is generally one of relaxation and plenty, with occasional sporadic moments of scratching, clawing, hissing or playing with balls of wool.

Cats are the number one International producer of furr-balls. These furr-balls are used in the aeronautical industry for filling the insides of airplane wings. Cats produce this mysterious substance by licking their bottoms all day and then coughing up the furry stuff, which is in turn collected and woven into fine thread.
96% of all furr-balls are produced by village cats.

Cats major natural predators are the dog, closely followed by local organsisations dedicated to drowning them.
It has been put forward that the cat/dog aggression is based on dogs jealously at the cats ability to manipulate their human owners into treating them like royalty. They believe cats to be 'stuck up' and 'snobs'. It may be noted that cats do not chase sticks and are very particular about where they go to the toilet.

Cats enjoy eating whatever dinner humans were expecting to eat as well as other treats. They are very fussy eaters.

In appearance, cats having four legs, resemble other four-legged animals. Cats with less than four legs are rare and have seldom been captured on camera.
Cats have tails which are used for balance - but mostly for brushing suggestively against the legs of attractive women or men (cats are not fussy and will flirt with either sex)

Cats tongues are coarse and leathery. Their bigger cousin's the Lion and Tiger family originated this adaptation for stripping the flesh from raw meat.

It is only an urban legend that Cats can play the bagpipes.

Cats eyes are used on roads to light the way for drivers. Sometimes the cats sacrifice themselves by running out into the street. This is the natural version of cats eyes, but the industrial process provides the vast majority of this life-saving device for humans.

Cats can life for upwards of 15 years. Killing a cat reduces its lifespan.


REFERENCES:

The Cat A-Z - By Cat Stevens
How To Care For Your Pussy - Cat Deely (chp's 2, 3, 7, 21)
Cats in Bad Welsh Music - Katatonia
A Chocolate Lovers Guide To Cats - KitKat
Ugly Horse Faced Bastards - Dean Gaffney (chp 16: section on cats making friend with horses)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Cats
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