Written by evan keliher

Sunday, 14 February 2010

image for Grandpa Ganja On Mini-Memoirs

I'm not sure memoirs are approved for publication but maybe it's okay if they're funny. I just thought some of my readers might wonder what's with the moniker and the story behind it might be of interest to them.

For openers, I'm 78 years old and in a hurry because I could keel over deader than a mackerel at any moment and I have a lot to do before that happens. I've posted several articles in a row and have a ton more of the same if I can just outwit the Grim Reaper for a while longer.

Anyway, in '62 I learned I had glaucoma in both eyes with pressure at 40 and counting. In '70 I read that pot helped control glaucoma so I lit up and never looked back. I've used pot every day for over 40 years and I know it works at least half the time as I can still see out of one eye.

It's also safe. While I do have a broken back and osteoporosis, I'm in good shape overall and suffer no ill effects from the noble marijuana bush. They claim pot will fry your brain like a pan of eggs but that's plain stupid. I've written books, stage plays, screenplays, comedy video scripts and a doctoral dissertation and all of it while stoned out of my gourd.

Some people claim marijuana is dangerous but they're mostly idiots. Marijuana never killed anybody; there is no toxic dose. After 40 years I've got a set of lungs like a blacksmith's bellows and a heart that's in such god shape it's still on warranty.

In fact, a new study found that pot will cure tumors in rats-so if your rat has a tumor give the critter some pot and make him well again.

By the way, the pot smoking rats were also hornier than the control group and that's true for people, too, so tokers have no use for Viagra.

I know it works for me. I'm 78 years old and I have to lash the thing down with duct tape to keep from alarming the neighbors.

Side effects? A few. In my case I smoked so much pot to save my sight that I developed X-ray vision and got arrested for seeing through girls' dresses. I'm a lot more careful where I look now-and for how long.

Another drawback. Pot can make you feel good and that irritates cops, judges, and pious people who believe it's the Devil's work. They can't stand the thought that you're having a good time and they're not. Avoid them if possible.

A plus, though. You can sneak some pot into your mother-in-law's cupcakes and turn the old bat into a kinder and gentler person. Your father-in-law will be grateful.

Some say pot will cause paranoia but don't listen to them. They're just out to get you.

It's true that pot causes the munchies. If you smoke enough pot you might get fat. However, if you smoke enough pot you won't give a damn what you look like. Besides, it's not always true. I was 6'2" and 180 pounds and now I'm 6', 140 pounds and slowly disappearing thanks to the osteo thing.

Others claim pot will cause hallucinations but that's only true if you're lucky.

Then there's the religion angle. If you smoke a little pot you could believe almost anything no matter how bizarre it is. But if you smoke enough pot it backfires on you and turns you into a Secular Humanist-and they don't believe in anything.and you'll turn into a Secular Humanist and they don't believe in anything.

Some people say marijuana makes you forget things but a recent study shows that's only true if you're over 80 and have Alzheimer's. I could quote you the source for that study but I forget where I found it.

Will marijuana destroy your memory? Of course not. I remember a lot of things that never even happened.

Or make you a lazy bum? Ridiculous. I taught school full-time and went to night school to earn masters and doctoral degrees over about six years. In fact, I went to night school so long I learned to read in the dark. Does that sound like I was bereft of ambition and drive because I was stoned all the time?

Is marijuana addictive? No, and I ought to know after 40 years of daily toking. Of course, some might think 40 years is addiction by definition but I can quit anytime I feel like it; I just never feel like it.

What about psychological problems? They claim marijuana can make people unstable and interfere with maintaining relationships. More crap. How come I've been married to the same wife for 58 years? The truth is, pot makes it easier to
deal with unpleasant situations so it should actually help most marriages.

I have to stop now as I'm all tuckered out. Back hurts, bones creak, no endurance. Ambrose Bierce, a favorite of mine, said, "From childhood to youth is eternity, from youth to manhood a season. Age comes in a night and is incredible."

NB-this essay is not to promote marijuana but to attack the ignorance and lies of its critics. Simply put, marijuana is good medicine, medical pot is now legal in 14 states and California will make it legal for everybody this year.

Isn't this essay exactly what satire (and Spoof) is all about?

I'll write again when the pain eases a bit.

©Evan Keliher

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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