Written by evan keliher

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

image for Grandpa Ganja On Pornography

Pornography is becoming more and more of an issue in the media-and in the minds of the people-and I say it's about time. Smut shops are on every corner. Naked bodies greet the eye everywhere one looks these days. Brazen centerfolds, dirty posters, and x-rated movies lure our unsuspecting youth to the worst kinds of degradation imaginable.

Shocking!

Well, if the public has been slow to come to grips with this problem, I haven't been as negligent. For years, I've fought a lonely battle against pornographers in an effort to rid our city of filth and smut and the people who profit from it.

I've frequented porno shops posing as a customer so I could get the goods on the lascivious old men, carnal creeps, off-duty cops, defrocked Sunday school superintendents, and other such scum who hang out there. Needless to say, it was necessary that I disguise myself so people wouldn't recognize me as I carried out my undercover activities, so I always wore a trench coat with the collar turned up when I went on my rounds.

Of course, I had to pretend to look through the magazines and even buy some of 'em to keep my cover intact. In fact, I've got quite a collection of filth in my garage right now. And believe me, some of it is really disgusting, so disgusting I can hardly stand to look at it when I take my weekly inventory.

Anyway, I scouted these places and made notes on who came and went and which magazines were selling best and so on. It goes without saying that the very worst kind of people patronized these places. Your next door neighbor, for example. I often saw him there thumbing through the dirty comic book section with a thin trickle of drool leaking from a corner of his mouth.

I've also seen the guy at the corner gas station, your lawyer, the local pharmacist, four noted jurists, occasional teenagers standing in subdued, open-mouthed awe, pastors of every denomination, men of all races and creeds and speaking every tongue, and all clad in trench coats and singled-mindedly pursuing a common interest.

Astonishing.

And the profits! Everybody knows pornography pays well but few know the enormity of the profits. I knew one guy who sold chains and racks and similar goods from a pushcart and took in a hundred grand a year from the business.

Another guy owned a small porno shop in a good spot-he was right smack in the middle of a bunch of average Americans-and he pulled in a quarter of a million a year like clockwork. No wonder these dens of iniquity proliferate as they do; it's enough to tempt even the strongest of us when you realize how long it takes a working stiff to gather up that kind of money.

Well, none of this matters now because the citizens have had enough. The public isn't going to stand for this racket any longer. Porno shops are on their way out in this neck of the woods, a fact made evident by a recent case in a nearby community.

A new porn shop opened there and I hurried on down to scout the place and see who was patronizing it. I wasn't in the store five minutes and had barely started analyzing a new filth mag called September Porn when an angry mob assembled in front of the place and began hurling epithets at the owner and stones at the windows.

Naturally, I was in an awkward spot. The mob could easily have mistaken me for a customer and started hurling stones in my direction before I could explain my real reason for being there.

Fortunately, the owner showed me a back way out. I hardly had time to grab a handful of magazines and a couple rolls of film featuring Sandra and the Seminary Students before making my getaway as the mob launched a frontal assault.

So the game's up for the smut shop people, we're going to drive 'em back underground where they came from. We'll make 'em go back to operating out of their cars around playgrounds the way they used to before opening stores. They're going to have to put sex back in the gutter where it belongs and keep it out of the hands of the average citizen who isn't quite sure what to do with it anyway.

It's up to every citizen to take an active part in stamping out filthy sex-and all other kinds, too. Keep your eye peeled for porno shops and keep tabs on 'em. Go in and skulk around, try to look like a customer, get yourself a trench coat, and report any strange developments to me at once.

And by the way, if you ever happen to be in the neighborhood, stop in at my place and you can help me take inventory in my garage.

©Evan Keliher

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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