Written by matwil

Monday, 18 January 2010

As Dr. Watson started eating another piece of toast and kosher gefillte fish, Dr. Watson came into the room. 'Ah, Holmes', he said, sitting down and helping himself to some vegetarian burgers blessed by the Chief Rabbi of Norway, 'anything in the news?' 'Really, Watson', that sleuth answered, 'if there was nothing in the news then The Times would just be filled with idiotic drivel about cookery and celebrities' lives.'

'But it is.' 'Listen, Watson, we have a new case to solve. Some strange-looking American man called - let's see - Barack Hussein Obama is now the President of that place that we didn't want to keep, as we were too busy ruling the rest of the world to bother about it. America, that's it. Well, he keeps sending money to another place called Israel. What we call Palestine.'

'Most disturbing, Holmes.' 'But as always you have missed the point, Watson. A country like America that claims to support freedom and democracy but actually is the only one in the world that supports Israel - the world's worst fascist disgrace - must have a reason for its token leader saying nothing about funding it.' 'But what can we do about it?'

'What we can do, Watson, is now hitchhike our way across Europe to confront those Israeli war criminals that -' 'War criminals?' 'Don't you ever read the news, Watson? Yes, Israelis are cowardly war criminals that mass-murdered thousands of Palestinians last year for them daring to fire three rocket bombs at them.'

'I see.' 'Odd how I never read about that in The New York Lies, though, maybe they have some sort of time lapse compared to the rest of the world - the rest of the world that correctly calls Israel a genocidal disgrace, but also a genocidal disgrace that Americans fund.'

'Come, Watson, we have han happointment with the Knesset, and leave those haitches behind', and soon the two were travelling across Europe in a camper van that didn't need to be checked for baby milk and pens by European border guards.

After that the duo sneakily stole a passing oil tanker in Bulgaria and sailed to Israel and then bribed the authorities there with two US dollars to let them become Israeli citizens. 'So we're now Israelis', Dr. Watson said, 'I suppose we'd best go and set up a farm in occupied Jordan, what!'

'No time for that', Sherlock Holmes rejoindered, 'you have clearly forgotten why we have come to the land of the genocidal maniacs. Have you got your free anti-Semitic card on you, Watson, to use in case anybody says we're mass-murdering Nazis?'

'Is the Pope a Nazi?' 'Good. Come, sir, the Knesset awaits us', and soon the pair were walking into that building that was the worst joke in democracy's history since every American Presidential election after John Z. Kennedy bribed his way into The Shite House. 'Ah, Mr. Olmert', Holmes addressed Israel's head mass-murderer, 'you are a mass-murderer!' he correctly deduced, 'and we want an explanation about the silence from the US Token President about your disgraceful genocide against the basically harmless Palestinian people.'

'Well, Mr. Holmes', for even Israeli war criminals have heard of that sleuth, 'it's quite easy. Tough people that have invented the modern world - the British, the French and the Spanish - refuse to have anything to do with a tiny country full of murderous rejects like us. But the weakest nation in the world - the USA - grovels to us because a few Jewish wiseguys control their television news stations.'

'And that's it?', Holmes said, astounded that 250 million people could be so easily controlled by a box with a picture on it. 'You're talking about people that still think they won independence from Britain', Olmert laughed, 'which doesn't exactly add up with them speaking English and sending their troops to die in British and French oil colonies, does it, ha ha ha ha!'

'Watson, this has been another pointless article', Sherlock Holmes said, 'though if it has annoyed Americans it has at least served a purpose. Can you imagine Israel trying to control the United Kingdom? Even Jewish Britons would simply wipe Israel out in a second rather than let that happen. Let us leave this forsaken country, the smell of dead people in Gaza City is beginning to make me feel sick.'

'Me too, Holmes. But can Americans really be this dumb?' 'I won't bother answering that, Watson. Now, let us go to Cairo, at least they know who really rules the world, and I don't mean inbred morons with drug problems in The White House!', and the story ended with about as much importance as Barack Hussein Obama's entire career.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
More by this writer
Read full story
Read full story
Read full story
Read full story
Read full story
Read full story

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more