Written by MonkeyInTheBath

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

image for The Lord of the Things Part 3 The Hammer of Judd, prop not mentioned in the book but should be in the film

Read this amazing story from the start

Chapter 3... The Quest Continues

Well I could have stopped it there, but let us continue, dear reader. I assume you are enjoying it if you've gotten this far, but if not then do you mind if I touch your knee again. I really like your thighs, they're so supple and...

For many days Gwarthar dwelt in that cell. The Sword of Zoj had long been taken from him, but he still held the accursed Ring of Zodnoj, which he had now promised to destroy. Most days David of Loire came to visit him, and tried to get him to confess to slaying the two-headed Urkurog of Fnarwong. Gwarthar refused, and was soon moved to another cell, apparently in a much larger jail.

The day after moving to the larger jail, he was placed in manacles and brought to the Court of Judd. David of Loire was there, and Judd himself sat in the corner controlling everything.

"Arthur Francis Pratt!" announced a small bespectacled man as Gwarthar entered.

"I am Gwarthar, Thrang of Prabbab, you fool."

David of Loire moved over to the bespectacled man and whispered in his ear.

He continued, "Apparently the man had his name changed by deed poll. I'm sorry, your honour. Gwarthar, Thrang of Prabbab!"

"That is better," said Gwarthar. "What do you want of me, so-called King Judd, with your court of cronies and minions. Do you think you can defeat me? I never trust a man in a wig, you look like a girl."

"Order in court!" shouted Judd. "I am Judge King, and I shall be presiding. You have been accused of serious crimes, Mr, er...Gwarthar, Thrang of Prabbab."

"Says who?" sneered Gwarthar.

Just then, a masked man on horseback broke through the main doors, wielding two pistols and firing wildly. The guard beside Gwarthar fell down dead, and Gwarthar searched his pockets for the key - which is not very easy if you are wearing handcuffs. Here, I'll show you, dear reader, just let me stick my hand in your pocket. See it's very hard for me to be able to find a key...ouch that hurt.

The masked man called out, "I am The Dandy Highwayman! You shall free Gwarthar now." He pointed one pistol at another guard cowering near Gwarthar, his other pistol still covered the rest of the room. The guard did as he was told and released Gwarthar.

"Jump up, Gwarthar!" called The Dandy Highwayman, and together they galloped off into the city. "We shall retreat to my hideout."

They didn't get far before uniformed officers sprang from all sides, but the great horse was too fast for them. Soon, the sirens of their horseless carriages could be heard behind the pair as they galloped off.

"Curses, Gwarthar. This isn't going too well."

"It's the Ring of Zodnoj, it draws them. I must destroy it so that Judd's minions cannot rule the world."

"What the... I thought we were doing 17th century criminal roleplay, not fantasy. You've gone into a whole different genre there."

Gwarthar looked confused.

"Oh never mind. Very well, Gwarthar, let us escape into the sewers of this despicable city. Remember, where we hid the golden treasure of Akebor."

They rode down a couple of narrow alleyways that they could not be followed down, then came to a large building, which had once been a bank but was now a tavern.

"Aha, Dandy Highwayman, the old Hesbock."

They got off the horse, and on a command, the Dandy Highwayman told the horse to run away on its own and follow a random pattern which would confuse following minions of Judd into believing that Gwarthar and he were still mounted and heading in a completely different direction.

The horse ran off.

Round the back of the tavern was a manhole. The Dandy Highwayman lifted the cover, held his breath and entered. Gwarthar followed.

Have you ever entered a manhole, dear reader? I can tell you that it is a most filthy, smelly and unpleasant place. But you do want to know what happens next, don't you?

Read the next thrilling installment

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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