Written by matwil

Thursday, 31 December 2009

image for Dear Jane, I have a problem ... Drivel

Dear Jane,

I have a problem, and wondered if you could help me. I can't stop writing articles about teenage and pre-teenage obsessions about celebrities and people's bodies, until I've managed to fill up a website for writers of satire with those articles.

Week after week it's the same old Katie Price/porn/parts of the body/Dross Factor adolescent drivel, until every section of that site is wall to wall pubescent sniggering. I've tried to stop it but I can't, and it's taken over my life.

I'm starting to think I'll never be interested in anything again except for Susan Boyle and what the grown-ups do after my bedtime, and then writing about those things online. Please help!

A. Payne. Wessexshire.

Dear A.,

Teenagers usually go through this stage in their lives, but eventually you'll see that there are hundreds if not thousands of adult writers who can write books and even articles without droning on and on and on about what Michael Jackson's hamster was doing last year, or about toilets or Katie Price's ridiculous plastic chest. You'll grow out of this phase, and then either get a job or move up to high school, but don't expect miracles.

The fact that virtually every article in this website is now similar to yours shows that it has become quite a serious problem, so try reading 'Private Eye' and watching 'Have I Got News For You' to start to get the idea of what adult satire is like if you're British, just give up if you're American.

If that is a bit too much for you, find another site where your articles about Ant and Dec and lesbian zombies and your repetitive hang-ups will be welcome to other people like yourself. I had Marge Proops in a wild lesbian zombie orgy with Ant and Dec measuring the size of her chest on Dross Factor For Under-11 Writers once in the back of my mind.

(If you have a problem with writing decent English and can't stop writing about adolescent hang-ups, then call Freephone 000 000 0000. Calls cost nothing, as nobody is interested)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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