Today the new blockbusting American movie to end all movies opened, 'Gone With The Windbag', and this reviewer managed to steal a ticket to avoid paying to see it.
The film is set in the American Civil War, and stars Clark Obama as Rhett Waffler and Vivienne Hitlereigh as Scarlette O'Harridan, and things start as Waffler decides to become an alternative President of America, leading the Deep South States away from the Union to form the Confeeblecy.
'We are here and this is now', Waffler says to a crowd of 8 men and a dog in The Moonof, Alabammie, 'we can, we will, we can and will be here and then there, for - and let us not allow a sentence to end without a veritable middle 8 of pointless verbiage - yes we can or cannot or whatever to make this last as long as a General George 'Target Practice' Bush drinking session. Yes we can't!', to polite applause from the dog.
And then Scarlette O'Harridan appears to helpfully give the new President a knife in the back, before saying: 'When I was in the battle of Kosovo, man, how I bravely led our cavalry into attack against Genghis's troops! Then, just as we were getting fired at by his snipers, riding on sabre-toothed tigers, someone said to me
'Scarlette, y'all is needed by that ridiculous idiot that's gonna be the President of the Confeeblecy', and so I married him. Then he added' April fool!' But now I wish to take this knife out of Rhett Waffler's back, and give him all my loyal support. When I climbed Mount Everest in 1322 -'
The movie then shows the pair blethering pish all across the Deep South of America, no town or even village is safe from their ruthless attacks of ungrammatical verbal tripe and misnomers, and soon the North is considering calling a truce. But as Waffler and Hitlereigh begin to lose the war, they decide their last chance to save the Confeeblecy is to have some sort of romance.
Putting her white pointed hood away for a few minutes, Scarlette O'Harridan says 'Rhett, I know you never stop talking drivel long enough to do anything much else, but if I buy you a blindfold and have two face lifts will you make this film end in a corny way to feed the morons that take American movies seriously? I.e. all Americans?'
And Rhett Waffler answers: 'Quite frankly, my - and let us not discriminate against you on grounds of gender and/or race, or against you for being a deluded nutter that would never even get a job as a checkout girl outside of - and let us take this into account - America, for this may not be as easy to do as you and I thought, especially as we violently detest one another - dear,
I don't give a possible Christian or Muslim but not Buddhist fate in a life to come that may or may not be a symbolic allusion to either reincarnation or the in effect production of offspring that cost me way too much over Christmas, the little varmints!', and Hitlereigh then tries to act as a scorned but beautiful young woman of the Deep South - but unfortunately rather looks like a rhinocerous that got her face-pulling lessons muddled up with her teach-yourself schizophrenia ones.
'Gone With The Windbag' will tragically be at a cinema near you soon. Obama is excellent as Waffler, managing to spend 3 hours droning on and on without saying a single thing of importance, and Hitlereigh is also good as the deluded and uneducated O'Harridan,
breaking into all sorts of speeches about the first piece of childish nonsense that comes into her head, often about mountains or snipers or even vampire bats, which she begins to look like. And of course the final scene will become very famous, with Obama and Hitlereigh ending up talking complete babyish drivel to each other as the sun sets on the city of Washington DC, set on fire by the evil General Richard 'Inside Job' Cheney.
A must-see movie, but only if you can steal a ticket to go and see it. You have to be over 18 to view it in a movie house in America, but under 5 in the United Kingdom. Ticket includes a free US President doll, when you pull its string it says 'Yes we can, or rather we can't the minute I'm elected', and then drones on for hours and hours like a pompous powerless waffling windbag, to help you cure your insomnia.