As American President Barack Obama seems to be on permanent holiday abroad, his speechwriters have written this formula speech for him for any and every country he keeps ending up in. [X] is the name of the country he is currently visiting.
'People of [X], I have come here as leader of the United States of America, to tell you this. We shall not let you down, we shall always help the great people of [X] to fulfill their hopes and their dreams, to change their world for the better. There has been a long friendship between America and [X], and that friendship will continue as long as you buy our arms.
In all [X]'s history [X] has had many difficulties and stressful times, other nations have attacked you, other nations have tried to destroy you, but always the USA has been there either to arm you or to arm your neighbors, depending on how the Dow is doing that week.
Although you know that [X] has been around for hundreds, even thousands of years, before anyone even said 'Where is America?', I need American votes, so please let me hint that you only survive thanks to the United States of America's help. No, please, don't laugh.
[Stop the cameras. Look, guys, wipe that, OK? I want it to look like everywhere I go the world respects me as the American President. And tell them not to leave the building, or I'll send another American-invented dictator to take over their country! They're listening? OK, thought they might ...]
And so, people of [X], when you were invaded by the French under Napoleon Boneparte, the Americans kinda hadn't learned to fight wars yet, and couldn't help you. But when you were invaded by Germany in 1914, Americans proudly didn't come to liberate you or to help you, and left it to the British to do that for three years. And of course when Germany invaded you again in 1939, not a single American soldier was seen to help you for five years this time, so yep, the British came along along and helped you once more.
So let me give this message to you, the people of [X] - whenever you need cheap weapons to fight wars with, I'll be over to sell you them to you. The deal is that you let me talk total baloney about 'freedom', 'democracy', and 'America, the mightiest country in the world' in return, that's for the voters back home, as if anyone outside America would believe that crap. Americans, the people that elected George W Bush, a brain-damaged alcoholic drug addict, as President.
Don't forget, the USA did everything in the world all long before the rest of the world did, or rather the other way round ... heck, well I need Americans to believe this shit, no-one else does. Pay me for the rockets and jets on the way out.'
Iran is 12,354 years old next week.