Stuck with nothing to do after the pagan festival of Christmas? Wanting to massacre your visiting relations, but know it's bad etiquette to even start reaching for the carefully-hidden hatchet? Then why not create the USA, using this 20-point guide for beginners:
1. Be settled by Vikings, then pretend Vikings never arrived in your land. Odd how Vikings settled in Greenland, Iceland, even Sicily, but stopped short of America, luckily for Hollywood
2. Next be settled by the English, the people who invented the mightiest empire in history that spanned 99% of the modern world, as they even at one time briefly ruled China. But teach your children an Italian 'discovered' America 100 years later - the beginning of your inferiority complex about England
3. Genocidally massacre the natives by the million, mass-murdering men, women and children across your continent, then conveniently forget all about it
4. Inbreed so much and are so isolated from the rest of the world that you begin to believe that America is the world, though it is only a tiny part of it
5. Get a few English citizens to gain 'independence' for you from England
6. Become the most dependent part of England's empire, but copy the French invention of movies to persuade your citizens you are somehow not still ruled by England
7. Twiddle your thumbs from 1776 to 1914, still speaking the English colonial language and doing what England tells you to
8. In 1914 finally show some independence and correctly refuse to support England in World War One, the most pointless and evil war in history
9. Join World War One in 1917, thus showing your true colours - not only back to doing what England orders you to, but cowardly only joining in England's war when it is all over
10. Make more movies about yourselves
11. Deport humour and laughing at yourselves out of your country, for being 'Unamerican'
12. Twiddle your thumbs until 1939, then show independence again by refusing to help England, the last country in the world to stand up against the Nazis
13. Sit and watch as England shows why it invented the modern world and whacks the Luftwaffe in the Battle of Britain, despite being outnumbered 4 to 1, and saves the world from the Nazis, so start thinking it might be an idea to join the winning side
14. Sit and watch as the British, Canadians, Australians and New Zealanders and the Soviet Union fight the Nazis to the death for 5 years with millions of them dieing
15. Sit and watch as the Red Army breaks out of Stalingrad and advances on Germany, while the RAF launches 1,000 bomber raids on German cities, thousands of British and millions of Russians die doing it all
16. Sit and watch as London is blitzed and then subjected to V1 and V2 rocket bomb attacks, that kill at least 30,000 people
17. Finally land in Normandy in 1944 after the Soviet Union and the Commonwealth have won World War Two and it's all over bar the end game, then teach your children that somehow Americans won it
18. Make endless movies showing Americans winning World War Two, such as 'The Great Escape', a true story apart from the fact that no Americans were involved in it, but don't tell Steve McQueen that
19. Fund every mass-murdering fascist dictatorship in the world from 1946 to 2009 - Argentina, Chile, Nicaragua, Uruguay, Israel, though don't dare take on any real tough nations like Cuba, Spain, France, Britain, Germany. Portugal, Russia, China, Canada, Libya, Australia.
New Zealand, Outer Mongolia, Khazikstan, or even my next door neighbours. Then make movies about how tough you are. Also fund right-wing terrorists across the world in Spain, Italy, Israel, Cuba, Latin America ... the list is endless
20. Wonder why Americans are despised across the world in 2009
The kit comes with a cheap stars and stripe flag, so you can put your hand on your heart and sing some nursery rhyme written by an Englishman to help you forget you are responsible for genocide, slavery, avoiding two World Wars until they were won, and funding the most evil dictatorships in history, including Nazi Germany.
Lucky Americans don't get taught any history in schools, or they might learn the truth about how the world REALLY sees the good old U S of A. The Great Satan that even the British have finally turned their backs on in disgust.
America's last friends have finally jumped from America's sinking ship with relief.