The usual crowd of nosy bastards gathers outside the gates to Willy Wanker's Chocolate Shit Factory. Amongst them stands Charlie and Grandpa Joe, both dressed in their best clothes - which coincidentally are exactly the same clothes as they always wear (they are poor, after all).
"Oh, this is so exciting, Grandpa Joe", grins Charlie.
"It is indeed, Charlie my boy. I'm so excited I just shit me pants and it's starting to run down me leg!", laughs Grandpa Joe.
Charlie grimaces and decides to take a long around at the other boys and girls who found Wanker tickets in attendance: Reagan the obnoxious, demonically possessed little girl; Uder the fat German bastard; Milly O' Nare the spoilt rich girl with a sour puss (that's 'sour puss', not some gynaecological condition, friends); and finally Pikey Gee-Gee the itinerant traveller boy from Oireland.
"Daddy, I want to go in now before the others!", whines Milly O' Nare to her fat father.
"There there, my love. Don't worry. Daddy will make sure you get to the top of the queue", sighs the distracted man.
Charlie catches the eye of Reagan, who immediately starts lapping out her tongue in a suggestively sexual manner. Charlie hides behind Grandpa Joe.
The clock strikes Twelve and the bell chimes.
Everyone falls suddenly silent as the door to the factory opens. A strange man dressed in purple comes hobbling out.
"Look! It's Prince!", shouts somebody in the crowd.
The singer whips out his ornate guitar and starts belting out the opening bars to Purple Rain before he moved on by burly security guards.
A few moments later, another figure steps out into the courtyard. Dressed similarly in purple, but this time with a funny top hat upon his head.
"That must be Mr. Wanker", Charlie confides to Grandpa Joe.
The man suddenly takes a tumble and rolls on the ground before springing up and saluting the crowd.
"Fucking show off! You bastard!", shouts someone else in the crowd.
The man approaches the gates and bows to the boys and girls and their guardians.
"Greetings. I am Willy Wanker and I welcome you all to my factory", he says in a sing-song voice.
"Asshole! Show us your tits!", shouts another voice in the crowd.
Mr. Wanker calmly signals for the gates to be opened and his guests to enter. Naturally, Milly O' Nare pushes through first.
"Such a spirited child", quips Mr. Wanker.
Mr. Wanker greets each and every one of them with a smile and a handshake.
Charlie is the last to enter. Mr Wanker tips his hat to him and Grandpa Joe.
"You must be Charlie? I've heard so much about you from my internet paedophile buddies. And who is this?", he asks regarding Grandpa Joe.
"This is my Grandpa Joe. He sleeps with my other relatives….".
"Ohhhh…Kayyyyyy…….Good day, Sir. Come along. There is much to see and so little time!", Mr. Wanker announces politely yet hurriedly.
They leave the crowd behind and enter the main entrance to the building. It is a tiny, enclosed space that can barely contain them all.
"I just need you all to sign this before I allow you to enter my wonderful Chocolate Shit Factory", he says as he presents them with a huge contract written in teeny tiny print.
"I'm not signing anything, Wanker, until I've 'ad me solicitors read through it first. 'm a business man and I know my rights", says Mr. O' Nare.
"Oh, Daddy, don't be wasting time. I want to go in now", shouts Milly as she grabs the pen from Mr. Wanker's hands and signs her name.
He accepts his daughter's demands and all the other children and their guardians follow suit.
Mr. Wanker signals for them to follow him to another chamber. Inside they notice that the walls are covered in fancy wallpaper.
"What is this?", asks Charlie.
"Oh, I see you've noticed my shit-flavoured wallpaper", chuckles Mr. Wanker.
"Shit Flavoured!", they all say startled.
"Yes, of course! Why don't you try some? Lick anywhere on the images and you will taste that particular flavour", Mr. Wanker instructs.
Everyone begins licking the paper and tasting.
"I've got rabbit droppings!", laughs Milly O' Nare as she licks her lips.
"Dis taste like diarrhea", says Uder in a thick German accent.
While everyone else is licking the walls like some LSD tripping whackjob, Charlie starts unbuckling his pants.
"Hey, Grandpa, taste some of my faecal matter", says Charlie as he pulls down his pants and presents his ass to the old man.
Everyone looks on in shock.
"Oi! Just stick to licking the wallpaper, matey, and nothing else!", Mr. Wanker intervenes as moves everyone on hurriedly with a swish of his hand:
"Come this way…and by that I'm not referring to anything sexual, you cheeky monkeys!"
They enter a hallway that gets narrower and narrower the further they move along it.
"Hey, Wanker! We won't all fit in through there", shouts Milly O' Nare's father.
"Shut the fuck up, you annoying prick!", Mr. Wanker snaps back immediately as he continues onwards until they are standing in front of a tiny metal door.
"Inside here are things that you have never dreamed of, things that are so unbelievable you will be astonished and amazed..", Mr. Wanker says gathering everybody around him and speaking in a secretive, yet excitable, tone.
He unlatches the lock and peels back the door as all gaze inwards in anticipation.
What they are presented with is a magical world made entirely of shite.
The pavements are covered in dog shit; the tree's are made of shit and covered in bird shit; the flowers are made of shit; and a huge brown lake flows before them.
"Wow!", everyone gasps.
"Come in, come in. Don't be shy. Everything here is made of shit - Shit that you can all eat", announces Mr. Wanker.
The kids and their guardians rush forwards and start investigating the place and tucking in to the delicious shitty treats around them.
Charlie and Grandpa Joe share a dog turd; Milly O' Nare grabs a fistful of branches from a nearby shit-covered giant mushroom; they all enjoy the wondrousness of it all!
Mr. Wanker stand above them on the staircase leading downwards and starts to sing a little song:
"Come with me
And you'll see
A world of Shit Imagination
Heed my words
Taste my turds
All the boys and girls like shit
Shitty shitty shit-shit-shit
They even like to lick dog bums
Everyone can see that bums taste…. Lovely"
"Hey, Mr. Wanker, you're song doesn't rhyme. And it's shit!", shouts our Milly O' Nare.
"I know. What do you expect? It's a shitty world after all", he smiles.
Pikee Gee-Gee points to a little recess along a man-made hill.
"gaqrgh jastj atyj agnat jajagn atrjatj", he says.
"I think he means 'what the fuck are those'?", says Charlie translating.
They all look around and see a group of peculiar little men, dressed in nappies and painted from head to foot in shite.
"Oh, so I see you've noticed my Oompa-Poo-Poo's", Mr. Wanker casually speaks.
"Oompa-Poo-Poo's?", everyone replies.
"They work for me and make my delicious chocolate shit. They are actually Chinese midgets I illegally imported and use as slaves but I thought It'd a good marketing trick to dress them like knob-heads and do my bidding here", Mr. Wanker explains.
"Good marketing?! But we never knew about them until now!", says Grandpa Joe
"Yeah, I suppose I just never got around to doing very good promotion on that", shrugs Mr. Wanker.
Milly O' Nare struts forward and pouts: "I want an Oompa -Poo-Poo, Daddy!"
"But darling, we already have a load of polish workers at my nut factory"
"I want an Oompa-Poo-Poo and I want one now!", she screams.
"Would you ever shut the fuck up, you cunt!", says Grandpa Joe angrily, "You are wrecking the fucking atmosphere of magic and wodner"
Before Mr. O' Nare can intervene, their attention is then drawn to German tubby-boy Uder who is standing by the huge brown lake looking in.
"Oh no! Uder, my dear lad, don't go over there", shouts Mr. Wanker.
"What is that?", asks Charlie.
"That lake is made from shit", answers Mr. Wanker.
"Shit?", everyone says surprised.
"Yes. And it's incredibly tasty stuff at that", he continues before reaching for Uder, who now stands precariously on the edge of the artificial bank (bloody recession!).
But it's too much for a young, fat, German boy to take and he gets even closer before toppling head over heels into the shitty water.
"Ekkk! My Uder!", cries out Mrs Uder, "Save him! Save my child!"
"Oh look what he's done! He has contaminated my beautiful shit", complains Mr. Wanker.
Quick-thinking Charlie grabs hold of a large long, dried lump of shit and offers it to the sinking fat boy.
"Here, Uder! Grab this!".
The boy tries in vain and sinks beneath the crest of a shitty wave.
"Oh now! My boy is drowning!", sobs Mrs. Uder.
"Don't worry. He will be fine", Mr. Wanker says as he pats the woman on the shoulder, Watch and see"
Everyone pays careful attention to Uder as he reapers in a toilet u-bend and gets sucked upwards before becoming lodged.
"My lovely boy is stuck!", Mrs. Uder yelps.
"All that's needed is some thing to force him out", thinks Mr. Wanker.
He picks up a little flute from his breast pocket and plays a trio of notes, immediately summoning a response from an Oompa-Poo-Poo.
"There is a child stuck in the u-bend. Take evasive action", instructs Mr. Wanker.
The stupid-looking Oompa-Poo-Poo opens a flap at the back of his pants and points his ass into the water, squats and takes a massive dump. Immediately the floating turd makes it's way towards the spout of the u-bend pipe and forces upwards against Uder's fat ass.
"Patience… patience…", Mr. Wanker says with a sly smile on his face.
All eyes are on the struggling lad as he is constricted in that tight enclosed space. And then, when the pressure builds to it's zenith, he rushes upwards and vanishes from sight.
"Oh, thank you, Mr. Wanker, thank you. You've saved my boy", says a weeping Mrs. Uder.
"Saved him?", Mr. Wanker looks puzzled, "No. The little brat is dead. I just wanted my pipes cleared"
The woman's face turns white as Mr. Wanker then whispers in the Oompa-Poo-Poo's ear.
"Take this bitch out of here before she tries to sue us".
As the Oompa-Poo-Poo grabs the woman by the arm and escorts her form the premises, Mr. Wanker waves his hand and suggests that his guests move on to another section.
"You are just going to leave her like that?", asks Grandpa Joe incredulously.
"Shut the fuck up, you, or the same will happen to you and your grandson", growls Mr. Wanker.
In stunned silence the whole group climb into a cack-covered riverboat and continue onwards on their terrifying Chocolate Shit Factory tour.