Written by Jesus Budda

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

image for Willy Wanker and the Chocolate Shit Factory - Part 3

Previous Chapters: Part 1| Part 2

Part 3

Charlie comes home and enters a strangely dark room.
"I'm back", he says half-heartedly.

"Surprise!", comes the reply as his family leap out wearing party hats and his mother at the front holding a lump of shite she baked.

"Happy birthday, son! We all pooled our excrement to make this homemade chocolate log", she says offering it to him.

"Oh, mother, you shouldn't have".

"Oh, don't be so bashful, Charlie. Eat it", she smiles.

"No, seriously, mother. You really shouldn't have!", he says as he pinches his nose and makes a disgusting face, "plus my birthday was 3 months ago, you stupid alcoholic bint!"

Grandpa Joe comes forward and gives Charlie another gift wrapped in an old pair of cotton underpants. Used cotton underpants.

"This is something I got especially for you, Charlie. Open it".

"What is it, Grandpa?", says Charlie curious.

He tears pen the underpants (they were brittle and stale from over use anyway) and reveals the contents to be a delicious WANKER SHIT.

"You're Grandpa donated all his Internet porn money to buy it, Charlie", says Mrs. Bucket.

"Oh, thank you Grandpa! This is the most wonderful present ever!", Charlie bursts with joy.

"Well, aren't you gonna open it? See if you won that ticket to that Wanker factory", says Grandpa Joe.

"Grandpa, the odds are slim. But I will check just in case the author decided to do away with tension and move the story on to the good bits a bit quicker"

Charlie opens it slowly. Then he takes a peek inside.

"Well, Charlie? Did you win?"

"Yes, I did!", cheers Charlie.

"Did you really!", everyone says excitedly.

"No", Charlie admits.

"Little lying bastard", says Grandma Janice as she loses interest and has a bit of a fiddle 'down below'.

"I guess the author wants to drag this story out for several more chapters", Charlie shrugs, "..the cruel bastard.."


The television distracts everyone's attention. Again.
A reporter announces three more winners: A greedy spoilt rich bitch named Milly O' Nare; a big, fat German kid named Uder; and a kid named Reagan who is possessed by the Devil and spews pea-soup from her mouth and masturbates with a crucifix.
Needless to say, but all are hateful and undeserving.

"Look at those brats. Spoilt, fat…they don't deserve it like our Charlie does. It's not fair. The poor boy has a shit life and what does he get? Nothing! The whole world sucks cock!", snorts Grandpa Joe.

"Maybe if I sing a song everyone will cheer up?", adds Mrs. Bucket.

"Shut that fuck up, you", shouts everyone.

"Ok. Just a suggestion. I'll be off out now. I have some…. laundering to do…and by that I mean 'selling my body on the streets'. Everyone knows that I am secretly a prostitute…", she says as she exits.

Grandpa Joe puts his arm around Charlie's shoulders.
"One day, my boy, it'll all come good. You gotta take the good with the bad. You've just had more of your share of bad lately but, don't you fret, you're day will come".

"Thanks, Grandpa. Would you like to share my shit?"

"No, no, no. It's your treat. Enjoy it!", smiles Grandpa Joe as he begins to massage the boy and his hands slowly creep down lower and lower, "Such a fine young boy. Supple body…"

"Fuck off, Grandpa! There's only one ticket left and some other hateful, stage-school brat is sure to win it"

"Ok, ok. Jaysus, don't be so uptight!", snorts Grandpa Joe as he climbs into bed with the other inbreeds.


******** ******

The next morning Charlie scurries along the high street on his way to work.
He cannot afford to be late again. Yesterday, the bigger boys shoved an entire chimney sweeping brush up his arse.

A paperboy is calling out the news headlines. It is a pretty wet day, so the paperboy is very soggy.

"Read all about it!
Some other hateful foreign bastard finds final Wanker ticket.
No more hope for local children."


"Shite! Well, that's my last chance gone, I suppose. Bastards!", gripes Charlie.
He curses under his breath and moves on. But something catches his eye. Down in the drain something is glittering. Charlie stops and bends over. Immediately a local parish priest gets behind him and starts feeling his bottom.
"Fuck off, you prick!", shouts Charlie.

The priest moves on to another child with a balloon instead.
Charlie reaches down into the drain and pulls out a shiny one penny piece. This beaing the early 70's, one-penny was a lot of money.
Charlie enters goes to the Candyman's store.

"One Wanker bar, please mister", he says.

The Candyman starts undoing his trousers.
Charlie shakes his head and shows the man his one-penny piece: there's no need to 'pay in kind' today!

"One Wanker bar coming up", says the slightly disappointed weirdo as he reaches into a large glass jar beneath the counter.

Charlie grabs the Wanker bar from the Candymn and walks out the door.
"Hey!", calls out the Candyman, "Don't you wanna hear my Candyman song?".

"Shove it up your arse, paedo", Charlie retorts.
Charlie continues on his journey to the chimney sweep factory and then hears the same paperboy calling out a different headline:

"Read all about it.
Previous report was fake.
Hateful foreign bastard forged final Wanker ticket.
One still left. It could be you!"

Charlie grows very excited. A hot, brunette in a low cut blouse just walked past and he was feeling horny.
But he snaps out of it just long enough to peel back the wrapper of his Wanker Bar and see something slimy and brown inside. A little more…

"I've got it! I've got it!", he screams at the top of his voice as he waves the final Wanker ticket in the air.

A crowd gather around him.
It's funny how these useless townspeople seem to gather around children all the time, isn't it?
The crowd push and shove to get a closer look.
A kindly gentleman helps Charlie escape from the crush and instructs him to run home as fast as he can. Charlie needs no convincing and races off at lightening speed ( the boy being capable of travelling at the speed of light, thus defying all natural laws of science in the process.)

He heads down into a dark alley and is confronted by the same creepy, German SS type man as he saw along with the other ticket winners on the TV.
"Who are you?", asks Charlie slightly taken aback.

"I am Mr. Slutworth. I own the rival company to Willy Wanker", the man says slyly.

"What do you want? You're not getting my bloody ticket, matey!"

"Willy Wanker is developing a new product: an everlasting Shit Slurper. I want you to take one of them and give it to me. For your troubles I will give you 50p and a new shack for you and your family in the shanty town on the outskirts of the city".

"You are a bit weird, aren't you?", Charlie says.

"Jus remember the name: the EVERLASTING SHIT SLURPER", he repeats before allowing the boy to continue on his journey home.


Charlie flings open the door and announces his news. Nobody believes him until he shows them the shitty ticket.

"I want to take you, Grandpa", Charlie softly says.

"Who? Me?", says Grandpa Dave surprised.

"No! Not you, ya old cripple! I meant Grandpa Joe", says Charlie.

"Oh, Charlie. You've made me so very happy", Grandpa Joe laughs heartily as they hug.

"The ticket says we must present ourselves tomorrow at 12am at the gates to Willy Wanker's Factory. Oh, how very exciting! I cannot wait until Chapter 4".
Well, you will have to wait until Continuing to Chapter 4…

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Topics: willy wanker
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