Written by Jesus Budda

Monday, 14 December 2009

image for Willy Wanker and the Chocolate Shit Factory - Part 2

Previous Chapters| Part 1

Part 2

Charlie walks along the footpath on his way to work in the chimney factory, head held low and cap pulled down tightly over his ears to protect himself from the biting cold.
He passes the candy shop and stares in the paneled window at the children inside buying packets of "Wanker Chocolate Shit".

The Candyman, a tall, queer fellow (modern day meaning in this particular case) minces about like a fairy on top of a Christmas tree made from muscular Californian bodybuilders in tight spandex.


"What'll it be", he says in a thick American accent that seems completely out of place in a shithole like this.

"I want a Wanker Bar", shouts one little girl in pigtails who looks a bit like Charles Hawtrey in drag (probably is)

The Candyman takes down a big glass container and fishes about inside until he pulls out a big, steaming juicy turd that has WANKER emblazoned across it.

"Here ya go, little girl! Stick that shit in your mouth and enjoy it", he chuckles as only a smarmy gay creep can chuckle.

"Gee, thanks, mister Candyman sir", she smiles a toothy smile as she sucks on the moist brown pooh and covers her angelic face in the saucy brown stuff.


Charlie watches closely from outside and licks his lips. He is too poor to be able to afford such a delicacy. Fucking rich bastards!

Behind him he hears a commotion. He turns and sees a crowd gathered around the window of an electrical shop.
Charlie pushes through (he's a nosy little brat) and sees that they are all focused on a television news report:

"We are joined now by the first winner of the Shit-stained Ticket. His name is Pikey Gee-Gee, an itinerant from some bog in Oireland. So, Pikey, what have you got to say for yourself?", asks the bald, but decidedly sexy female reporter.

A precocious tinker boy dressed like a miniature version of Brad Pitt in that shitty film Snatch steps forward and grabs the microphone:

"Igar aa taeh aetnjae tjae naenhaerb a\sdfarhyanat", he mumbles in an unintelligible accent.

A strange looking man with a scar on his face, and who bares a passing resemblance to a Nazi SS scumbag, leans in close to the boy and whispers something in his ear.

The reporter takes back the microphone:
"I presume he said that he is very excited and looking forward to seeing inside Mr. Willy Wanker's factory and eating shit…I guess…well, that's all from me. Back to the studio.."


Charlie bites his lip in frustration. He's angry that some little fucker who can barely speak has won. But it gives him hope. If that kid can win then why can't he?

He runs back across the road and inside the Candyman's shop.
"What'll it be son?

"I want a Wanker Bar…but I have no money..", Charlie sighs

"Oh, turn that frown upside down, my boy. You can have a Wanker bar for free…. if you suck my balls!"

"Gee, mister. You're swell!", Charlie brightens up.

"Well, I have gonorrhea and that can cause genital enlargement, so to speak…", the Candyman explains.


Approximately 2minutes 46 seconds later, Charlie emerges from the shop clutching a precious Wanker Bar and wiping his mouth.
"Be seeing you again, sonny", smirks a very pleased looking Candyman as he takes a drag on a cigarette.

Charlie immediately rips off the Wanker Bar wrapper and looks inside.

"Aw, shite!", he groans, "it's just regular shit and no magical ticket. Bolloxs!"

Charlie shuffles of towards the chimney factory chewing on the bar. He's late and will probably have the shit kicked out of him by the bigger workers.

The Candy man stands in the door and watches. He sings a little jolly song:

"Who can make the sunshine?
Cover it in shit?
Pickle it with vomit and piss all over it?
The Candyman can…."

He goes back inside when he starts getting funny looks from the people on the street, who think he's a complete and utter loony!


Continue to Part 3....

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: willy wanker
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