Dear Ask Jeeves.Com,
Some of my Elf employees say that there are no more Virgins. My wife says that if I use your computer answer service, and it tells me that there are, it is so. Please tell me the truth; are there still Virgins?"
1 Main Street
Your little Elf friends are wrong. They have been affected by the callousness and skepticism and negativity of a self-promoting age. They think that nothing can exist which is not found on their facebook page or confirmed on-line. All intellects, Santa, whether they be adult or teenager or child, are inconsequential. In this great cyber universe of ours, people are mere bytes in their intellect. When compared to the boundless see of data about them, they are incapable of grasping the whole of facts, going mostly for plausible deniability.
Yes, Santa Claus, there are still Virgins. They exist as certainly as honest politicians and reputable car salesmen and straight male hairdressers exist, and you know that they flourish and give life its greatest beauty and joy. Alas, how weary and tiresome the world would be if there were not Virgins. It would be as boring as if there were no Santa! There would be no teenage passion then, no bad poetry, no giggling girls, no inexperienced romance to make tolerable junior high school. We should have no horniness within our voyeurism and wet dreams. The eternal longing with which our adolescence is filled would be just a painful case of blue ball.
Not believe in Virgins! You might as well not believe in faggots! You could get your elves to hire a private investigator to watch all of the mall food courts on Friday evening, but even if they did not see any Virgins, what would that prove? Nobody sees hymens, but that is no sign that there is no hymen! The most real things within a young woman are those that boyfriends or men can never see. Do you see fairies in sporting goods stores? Of course not, but that is no proof that they are not occasionally there. Nobody can think of all of the unusual or strange things in the world.
You can take apart your cell phone and see what causes the ring-tones inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the slyest playboy, nor the united strength of every pimp and dawg and mack daddy that ever lived could tear apart. Only flowers, candy, awkward dances, love letters, furtive glances, can push aside that veneer and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory that is innocence and virtue. Is it all real? Ah, Santa, in all of this world there is nothing else so real and important and pure and trusting and sweet.
No Virgins! Thank God! Thank God there are Virgins. They exist, and will always exist. A thousand Saturday nights in the backseat from now, Santa, ...no, ten thousand nights in the back row of the darkened movie theatre they will continue to make glad the heart of teenage boys and pedophiles.
With apologies and appreciation to Francis Church of the New York Sun and young Virginia O'Hanlon.