Written by Larry King

Saturday, 13 November 2004

image for Larry's People It's me...Larry!

It’s my two cents…That '75 El Camino you see tooling around Beverly Hills with the "#1 Delroy Lindo Fan" bumper sticker belongs to none other than yours truly... As I creep closer and closer to death's door, I still get a thrill going online into X-Men chat rooms and calling everyone virgins...Whoever came up with the word "gusto" is a genius!...I'm no scientist, but I love beakers...and that goes double for Bunsen burners...It still amazes me when I hear that Art Linkletter is still breathing...Smelliest farter ever: I gotta go with the late Jessica Tandy. Loudest: Author John Cheever, hands down...If you're looking for comfort with style while prancing about the house, try a pair of capri pants and thank me later...Lost in the hubbub over Linda McCartney's unfortunate passing was the fact that she was rock and roll's foremost keyboardist...Color me crazy, but I like my ramen noodles sans the flavor packet...Don't try and tell me that was Senor Wences making that voice come out of his fist; There was something otherworldly going on there, gang...I almost keeled over the other day when someone informed me that they had cancelled "Nia Peeples' Party Machine"...You'd never be able to tell by the TV cameras, but I've been sporting a van dyke beard for years...Is World War II over yet? I only ask because I'm getting sick of hiding the Von Trapp Family in my basement. (I know I sound a tad harsh, but I hate show tunes)...If you want classy evening wear, you want a tuxedo with a fireman's hat...Why in the hell doesn't Scrabble come with an umlaut tile?...Milli Vanilli's best song continues to be "Girl You Know It's True"...Recently, from my perch atop the Washington Monument, I spied a very intoxicated Rosanne stealing change from the Reflecting Pool...My dead buddy, Lenny Bruce (He was a regular on my Miami radio show in the '60's), always slayed me with his "I'm with Stupid" t-shirt. Funny, gang, funny...The latest opus in The Babysitter's Club series is one helluva page-turner...The day they made former "People's Court" bailiff Rusty Burrell, they broke the mold...Kudos to my pal, Matthew Lesko, for figuring out a way for me to get one hundred telephone poles on the federal government's dime. A kudo within a kudo to Bob Mackie for designing that marvelous Riddler outfit Lesko sports in his ubiquitous overnight TV infomercials...I never enjoy surfing unless I arrive at the beach that day via pie wagon...There's something about the way Stone Phillips tilts his head when introducing a story on "Dateline NBC" that makes me feel like a giddy schoolgirl...When I hear that the girl in "Dirty Dancing" is named "Baby," I start wondering just how lazy those Hollywood screenwriting hacks are...Speaking of "Dirty Dancing," Jerry Orbach: Wow! That's one helluva set of choppers...This just in: The real "Fiddler on the Roof" was deathly afraid of heights...I like the Orlando Rage in the XFL this year, pending script approval.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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