Written by JAZ

Thursday, 28 October 2004

Dam Sad, alias Whoosane, returned home. He’s the same guy who killed and injured several neighbors a few years ago in an insane fit of rage. The D.A. at the time, Pappy Shrub, arrested Dam Sad. But Pappy cut a deal because Whoosane threatened to expose some shady business transactions with Pappy and his buddies.

Under the plea bargain agreement, Whoosane could live at home, but under close surveillance and unannounced searches. He also had to renounce weapons of mass destruction, French language broadcasts, and MTV. For self-defense, Dam Sad was permitted a CD that played harmonizing Chihuahuas.

Our Neighborhood Watch committee was disappointed. We had recommended that Whoosane be bounced on pungi sticks and stretched across a fire-ant hill. As a result of the plea bargain, Pappy Shrub retired after only one term.

Eventually Pappy’s son, Sunny Shrub, was old enough to run for D.A., and won after our Neighborhood Watch committee determined that some absentee voters had mistakenly voted for Sunny’s opponent.

Shrub Junior is cut from a different mold than his father. Just a good ole boy who wears blue jeans, cowboy boots, and tilts his western hat just like a regular guy. Talks like one too. But Sunny can be as mean as a barbed wire fence when he’s aroused.

Unhappy about the rotten deal his old man made with Dam Sad, Sunny sent his hand-picked posse to Whoosane's house to check out rumors that he was hiding weapons. When Whoosane unlocked his door, Sunny's deputies ripped through the house. It was sight to behold watching Sunny’s starting five in action: Felt Rumps tearing up floorboards, A. Witch Wolf ripping out sheet rock, Colon Pile pulling down ceiling tiles, Chain E. Slick tearing up the lawns in his custom-made golf cart, and Rye C. Condo smashing up concrete.

Afterwards, the posse displayed their booty: a half dozen sling shots, a bag of BBs, an assortment of marbles, and some foul smelling cheese. But nothing illegal. So Sunny’s posse served notice that they would return unannounced until they found illegal weapons.

Our Neighborhood Watch committee met to discuss the situation. What were we waiting for? Sunny’s posse had found no WMD at Dam Sad's house. If we kept waiting, then Whoosane might arm on the sly. We damn sure did not want this degenerate Dam Sad living amongst us corrupting our children.

Sunny’s posse suggested that given Whoosane’s criminal insanity, he could be hiding weapons on the property or, they hinted, sneaked them to one of his buddies across the street for safe keeping. With their options limited by law, Sunny’s posse recommended that the job of eliminating Whoosane could be best handled by private enterprise, a PP (private posse).

So we filed papers and offered shares to Sunny and his buddies.

Sunny’s posse explained that cleaning up the neighborhood would ensure rapid economic growth that would far outpace that of rival neighborhoods. Every member of Shrub Junior's posse ponied up a few thousand bucks to help launch our PP.

We struck the following midnight. Today there is nary a brick left at the location. Meanwhile, Dam Sad is chained to sewer pipes in a cellar until we meet with our shareholders to determine his fate. The Neighborhood Watch committee voted to build a paintball park so our children will have a wholesome place to gather and exchange ideas about keeping the neighborhood free from violence.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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