Donkey Sally semi- sachayed down the winding staircase of the Apache Oasis Bar, his velvet clad spurs not making a sound as he placed his left boot on the bar rail, hawked a big one into the brass spittoon, and called for "Whiskey, you F**** Ponce!" to the imported Dudley bar keep wearing a Leeds United Wife Beater shirt.
He had just finished a wild dalliance and 'and bull ride ' of his favorite steed, Madame Bitters, owner of the Saloon, where he rode her hard and put her away wet, and he needed a drink and he needed to catch up the happenings in Bordello Falls since he had ridden into town on behalf of Chisom Morse, the Railroad man, otherwise known as "The Conductor".
Sally took a sip of the moonshine that appeared in the old jelly glass that appeared before him, nudged the drunken limey next to him, Sheriff Skoobie, who was avidly reading the soccer match scores in the Bordello Gazette, a four page rag published by former Pulitzer Prize Winner, Abel Rodriquez, formerly of Chingadera , New Mexico. Abel had been run out of town there for taking blatant sex ads from transvestites, prostitutes, and gay government indian affairs agents, and a few toe tapping Senators. He had been forced to change his name from "Craig" to Able in order to fit into Bordello Falls. The last guy named Craig that rode into town was currently buried out in 'boot hill', where the only person that tended his grave was the itinerant Irish artist Shamus McRoss, another transplanted immigrant who was grudgingly accepted after he won the one legged potato sack race down main street celebrating the Queen's Birthday. Sheriff Skoob finished 2nd in the two man race.
"Skoobie,old Sod, "said Sally patiently, "are ye done with the news section yet...I'd like to catch up with the current friggin' events, especially the obituaries! And by the way podner, you look like you've pissed your britches again...what's with the stain on your wranglers?"
A blurry eyed Skoob, turned to Sally, a man he had come to admire, but not in a gay way, for the way he treated his mule and his wolf hybrid...with love and respect, being they all slept in the same bed.
"Sal, old buddy, old Pal.....I just miss the misses....even when I left after the last big argument, she came to me on her hands and knees...I love that woman!"
What did she say to you then, mate, was she sorry for brainin' you with the fryin pan, then"?
"Naaw....I can still hear her voice, " come out from under that F****bed you wankless worm, she said", and after that it was the colonies for me, mate!"
Sal moved off to table 5, his reserved perch, back to the wall, so he could keep an eye on the swinging doors, have his drink, and still catch up with the news.
Since electric power had still not come to Bordello Falls, Sal had to forego his usual blogs, twitters, text messages and e-mails, and rely on a newspaper from a guy who also ran the local taco stand and customized 'low rider' buggies in his spare time. Where Abel got the news from, no one knew, but his stories were always entertaining, and usually right on the money.
Sal was engrossed in the latest commercial real estate news dealing with the recent arrival of several hundred chinese immigrants with money that had swooped in and now controlled all the laundry , waste disposal, and 'hot wing' businesses, not to mention having a lock on imported rice .
He was distracted for a moment when two busty women with 5 o'clock shadows, wearing spurs timidly entered the saloon. Sal became instantly alert as he realized the one on the left, with the wide brimmed hat encircled with deceased rattle snake rattlers, could be none other that 1/2 of the Pissgum twins, AKA 'Diablo the Douche Bag'.
Sal reached into his inside vest pocket, and took out the wanted poster Morse had sent him a month ago....there it was...$5,000 Reward for the Pissgums, formerly conjoined twins....! $5,000, enough to pay down on his 4 mortgages, buy some more ammo, he was down to just what he carried in the magazines of his six (6) weapons, and get out of the dumpy room in the Apache, and get a decent 4 room condo on the outskirts of town, overlooking the marina!
Never one to rush, Sal contemplated the Pissgums, who looked uneasy mincing around at the bar and sipping their California Pinot Grigio...their pinkie fingers extended. He noticed that Sheriff Skoobie soon made a move on the duo, and Sal, long past participating in threesomes, noticed that the stage had stopped in front of the Saloon, and a crowd had gathered.
Slowly he moved to the window to look out to see what the commotion was about and saw a heavily haired man in a Sarong gingerly dismount, then hold his hand out to help his companions dismount from the stage. Emerging was not one, but 6 of the most beautiful and exotic creatures Sal had ever seen.
His loins stirred, causing immediate discomfort, and forcing him to move away from the window so he didn't cut himself from a resulting powerful erection and broken glass.
Suddenly, Sal lost interest, and was able to move back closer for observation.
He noticed that the 27 pieces of luggage were all stamped 'Pattya, Thailand'
and he realized this must have been the infamous "Monkey Man' and his traveling band of exquisite performing 'lady boys' that had set the west on fire and inspired several gay western books and 'talkies!"
Things were definitely picking up in old Bordello Falls...now able to satisfy even the most bizarre of appetites!
Going back to his paper, Sal noticed that there was going to be an upcoming election for the town's first Mayor! Candidates were already throwing their hat in the ring, including the yet unseen Nick Funson, the rich, perverse, greedy sheep rancher that Morse had warned him about.
Sal scanned the article concerning the election and noticed that family and 'friends' were NOT precluded from 'voting for their choice' more than once, an amendment , according to the Reporter, earmarked by Nick Funson due to the fact that he had an extended family 'that just loved him to death' according to his political spokesman. Morse noticed that Funson looked smug in his 3 piece suit, stetson, holding his sign which said, "vote for me, and vote often!"
"Should be an interesting election, " Sal mused, " maybe I should head up a community action group to back a candidate Morse wants to see elected!"
Deciding he would think about it, but feeling hungry, and with an ulterior motive, Sal called out to 'the girls' at the bar...."Hey, you two sweet cheeks at the bar, how bout I buy you dinner, and then we jump in a hot tub and grab a shave together!..Take your choice, Pastrami on Rye at the new Jewish Deli,
Sweet and Sour Pork at the Chink place, Fish & Chips at the Anson Pub, or Barbecue Ribs at Soul Brothers Cafe....can't offer no curry...Paki's haven't caught on yet....but give it a week or so!"
The twins, looked at each other, smiled in conspiracy, and said in unison,
"why the F*****not, big boy...as long as yer buyin'!"
Sal hitched up his chaps, redressed his member, and headed to the bar to escort 'the girls' for a night out, a night that will surely be remembered in the chronicles of Bordello Falls....."Cock fight at the Bordello Coral'...Sal could see the headlines in tomorrows paper...'just another obituary', he thought, and I'll be $5,000 richer!!"