The two dead zombies have been removed.
The six teens sit, hanging on every word issuing from the mouth of the grizzled warrior known to them only as Buck.
Outside the camper, the storm rages.
"What exactly is going on here?" Todd ventures.
Buck doesn't hear. He's preoccupied with Angie's protruding bullet like nipples and the damp skimpy top covering them. He's thinking of whipped cream, baby oil, and salivation. He's thinking he'll have a piece of that before the story ends, by God.
"Soapy tit-wank..." Buck mutters.
"What?" Todd blurts.
All of this goes over Johnny Boy's head, as he too is transfixed by Angie's impressive top drawers.
"Oh," Buck recovers just in time. "Right."
He gathers his thoughts.
Lola fidgets. She's pissed off that everybody is distracted by Angie's top-bollocks, and pissed off by the fact that she doesn't have much to offer in that department. She starts to ogle Angie's tits herself, and fantasizes about smearing organic honey over those heavenly mounds, and then licking it off, could be a pleasant experience. She's not entirely against a little girl on girl action.
Fran isn't too interested in anything grizzled warrior Buck has to say. She's spotted the bulge in Johnny Boy's pants, and she's impressed. She is aware that in some parts of the English speaking world, dead bodies are referred to as "stiffs", but it's a different type of "stiff" she's thinking about right now.
Buck, the grizzled warrior continues:
"Some years ago, they did nucular(sic) (copyright George Dubya Bush - all rights reserved) testing around these parts. It was a disastrous foray to end all disastrous forays. Women started giving birth to genetic freaks. The kids were all disfigured and shit. They grew up with no morals, they wore leather aprons, toted chainsaws, and started killing upstanding citizens. Duncan, from DUNCAN'S POMPEY BAR AND GRILL and myself decided that we we were no longer going to tolerate these freaks harrassing and murdering exquisitely fuckable - sorry, got a little mixed up there - naively vulnerable teens such as yourselves. There are hundreds of them out there. And they are dangerous. You can trust me on that."
"I don't get this..." Nick says. "It just doesn't make sense. So far, the only people to encounter violent deaths have been the inbred mutant hoodie zombies, like the skinned guy hanging upside down, and the other guy staked out on the grass outside...I just don't get it. Aren't they supposed to bump us off one at a time until there's only one of us left? That's usually the way these things work..."
At which point, there is a tap tap tapping on the door.
"Come!" Todd shouts.
"I haven't have I?" Johnny Boy says, examining his crotch. It wouldn't have surprised him if he had. Angie's tits are having a scary effect on him.
A man enters the camper. He is dressed in pink. He has a bad back and is smoking a Mary Jane Joint to alleviate the pain. He is wearing bicycle clips. Todd thinks he looks prissy and fey, possibly a frustrated homosexual, but he doesn't air his views.
"Hi guys and girls," the newcomer says. "Pleased to meet you." He offers Todd his hand to shake...
"Fuck off," Todd says. "I have no idea where that hand's been. I wouldn't touch the fucking thing for love or money."
"Have it your way sweetie pie," the newcomer says.
"What the fuck do you want?" Grizzled veteran Buck demands
"I am the San Francisco Onion, as you well know. I am in all probability the greenest, smartest individual in the world. I know absolutely everything abou anything. I am an authority on everything from pork pies to the mating habits of the Siberian crane. Now, I hear you have a problem here regarding murder most foul?"
Angie can't believe the newcomer. He isn't ogling her tits. What is wrong with the guy? She is thinking however that she has kind of taken a shine to him. Her nipples get harder and harder, so hard that they make her squirm in her seat as her pussy gives her that all loved up feeling.
"Ooh!" she coos as she almost reaches orgasm.
"What's up babe?" Todd asks, concerned she may be hankering for something.
"Oh it's...nothing...just a little old thing..."
Meanwhile Lola is furious. It's really pissing her off that Johnny Boy can do nothing but ogle Angie's tits. She sulks.
"What is it you want here Onion head?" Buck says.
"I come to put you back on track," SFO replies. "You're all so entrenched in your own value systems that you fail to appreciate the bigger picture. Okay, so you have inbred mutant hoody teen stalk and slash merchants operating locally. It's not the end of the world. You should give them a hug and they'd probably abandon their homicidal tendencies."
"That's your considered opinion is it?" Buck snarls.
"Of course, oh stupid one," SFO states. "If everybody thought like me, the world would be a perfect place."
"I doubt that," Buck snarls.
Lola is tiring of the argument, and tired that everybody is ogling Angie's lady bumps, aside from the newcomer, who is elevating polical correctness to a whole new level.
"Did I see a shower block on the way in?" she asks.
"You did hon," Johnny Boy says. He just wants to get rid of her so he can continue to ogle Angie's ladybumps in relative peace.
"Why the world would be just tickety-boo if everybody lived like I do," SFO states.
"What?" Buck snarls. "Like getting knocked off a fucking bicycle? Like being a sad bastard who gets his jollies from upsetting decent people? You sir, are a cunt of the highest order. I challenge you to state otherwise."
"You're missing the point here Bargis," SFO says. "Just like you always do. You just fail to grasp the point that I know everything about everything, at all times..."
"I'm going for a shower," Lola says.
Lola is pissed off by the lack of attention she is getting. The newcomer can't be a straight ace, because he hasn't ogled her. She may be a bit lacking in the titty department, but she has lovely long legs and a mouth to fantasise about.
Lola gets her toiletries and, raising an umbrella, she takes the short walk to the shower block, braving the raging storm.
Once inside her cubicle in the shower block, she strips off. She studies her naked reflection in the wall mirror. She concludes that it's not bad. She doesn't have the titty thing going on that makes males drool uncontrollably.
But she does have long legs and a cute ass. And luscious lips.
She turns on the water and soaps her body...
When somebody, or something grabs her from behind...
Forcing her to bend over.
Oh shit, she thinks, as some unknown assailant performs what can only be construed as invasive intervention...
With a lot of grunting.
Back in the camper, the newcomer known as SFO is really pissing Buck off.
SFO is implying that Buck ought to get in touch with his femenine side. Buck is incensed. SFO persists.
It's only Angie's upstanding nips that are keeping him sane.
Yum yum yum, Buck is thinking.
Completely unaware that Lola is being goosed by a sexual predator and having the time of her life, while he is being accused of being a closet gayboy by SFO...
"OH MY GOD!!!"!Angie suddenly shreiks, holding up her mobile phone. "I just got a text message from Gloria Gaynor. It says: 'Good luck with your karaoke version of 'I Will Survive' Hope you do it justice.' That's absolutely made my day!"
"Listen kid," SFO says. "Gloria Gaynor was a closet lesbian, allegedly, who just hated men. Men like Buck, who can't see beyond truth and the American way. Basically, fools."
By this time Buck has had enough. He only wants to think about sexual congress with females. He doesn't want to be reminded that there is a remote possibility that he may be gay, a theory expounded by a dumb assed motherfucker from the gay capital of the universe who thinks he knows everything.
Buck raises the over and under twelve gauge Browning shotgun. Pulls the trigger. Twice.
SFO disappears in a haze of spurting blood.
"Jesus!" Angie exclaims, her boobs jiggling more erotically than ever, her nipples harder than they have ever been before.
"I need to fuck you right now," Angie gasps. "You great big hunk of homicidal burning love!"
Todd is gobsmacked.
Then Lola appears at the door.
"How was the shower?" Fran asks.
"It was great," Lola says. "I had sex..."
To be continued...