Written by Skoob1999

Tuesday, 18 August 2009

image for Inbred Mutant Hoody Zombie Teen Stalk 'N' Slash Massacre - Part 5. Still Raining...Well It Is England...

Camp Gruesome Death: night.

"What the hell is this?" Angie, the chick with the mightily impressive top set says as she returns to the camper. In her damp, incredibly revealing tee-shirt. "Why is there a skinned Inbred Mutant Hoody Zombie hanging upside down from a rope in the doorway of our camper?"

The man known as the Captain, Morse, could possibly have answered the question. But, having more than his fair share of common sense he's decided to get away from maniacal serial killers and take Mrs Morse on a transatlantic cruise, over to the UK, and Germany, and Norway, aboard the QM2. In the lap of luxury.

A better option than dealing with Inbred Mutant Hoody Zombies, who could feasibly kill him.

Todd answers the question instead.

"We called the cops," he tells Angie. Her bosom heaves. "They're on their way right now."

Nick is upset. He wants to be thinking about frantic sex sessions based on a pool table, but the skinned, dead, monstrosity hanging upside down in the doorway distracts him.

"What the hell happened to him?" Angie asks, as she gawps at the skinned corpse.

"We don't know sweetheart," Todd says. "But we suspect it has something to do with foul play. The fact that he's been skinned and is hanging upside down from a rope tied around his ankles gave us the first clue."

"And the fact that this fucking campground is called Camp Gruesome Death could be construed as indicative." Lola shrugs her shoulders. Johnny Boy looks at her and decides he doesn't love her any more. Not that he ever really did. He's just a sucker for perfect hooters.

He steals a glance at Angie's exquisite top set.

He feels a stirring in the loin department.

"Did you find the karaoke?" he asks Angie stupidly. Unable to tear his gaze from those 'thumbs up' protuberances. "Did you get to perform 'I Will Survive' by Gloria Gaynor?"

"No I didn't, you dickhead," she says.

A flashing blue light interrupts proceedings, stunning the shocked teens into a temporary silence. Fran is pissed off because she has everything a guy could ever need, but the packaging is all wrong.

A police patrol car pulls up outside.

Two cops emerge and approach the camper.

Quite dapper fellows they are.

"Looks like we've got a bit of a murder here," the first one says, slowly eyeing up the skinned Inbred Mutant Hoody Zombie hanging upside down from a rope tied around its ankles.

"Thank God you've come!" Lola squeals.

"Have I?" the first cop says. "I never noticed. One would suspect I would have been aware of the fact that I'd experienced an orgasm. But then, perhaps not. One can never say with any certainty."

"Show me some ID," Todd says. "You come no further until you produce ID."

"I wasn't aware that I'd come in the first place," the cop says. "But you want ID? Here it is."

The cops produce warrant cards.

Todd breathes a sigh of relief.

"Police Constables Earl Grey and JaggedOne at your service," the cop announces. "Looks like you've had a pretty nasty case of murder most foul inflicted upon you."

"You can say that again," Todd says.

"Police Constables Earl Grey and JaggedOne at your-"

"Not literally!" Todd shouts.

Constable JaggedOne approaches Todd, thrusts his face in so that they're standing nose to nose.

"You wannabe careful who you talk to, all aggressive and shit like that. You really do want to be careful. Otherwise you might well end up in a state worse than that skinned upside down hanging by his ankles geezer there."

"How much worse can it get than being hung upside down, skinned and dead?" Todd hisses.

"Oh it can," PC JaggedOne says through clenched teeth. "Trust me..."

PC Earl Grey makes a show of clearing his throat. He's just noticed Angie's upstairs furniture and he's mightily impressed. So impressed that he has to adapt his posture so as not to give the game away. With trouser bulges, and things.

"Play it cool JO," he says. "It's not Selhurst Park, and kung-fu kicking complainants just isn't acceptable. Not today."

"Righto," says PC JaggedOne.

"If you behave yourself, you can maybe play the Monkey Woods anagram game later. And maybe listen to some Joy Division."

"Okay boss," PC JO says. "Best behaviour. I promise. Unless these bastards are Gooners, in which case, I can't be responsible for my actions. I just can't...North Bank, Clock End, I've shit 'em!"

"Calm down JO," PC Earl Grey says. "We need to establish what's happened here. With the dead bloke and what have you.

And, he thinks, looking at Angie's top set, I could lose myself in those puppies. Bloody lovely. As good as anything you'd find in Moscow. And probably cheaper.

"Can we get on with this guv?" PC JO implores. "Only it's gettin' late and I need to claim me spot under the bridge. Otherwise, some Dutch steroid junkie will take it over."

"Patience partner," PC Earl Grey says emphatically. With his emphat tucked safely underneath his arm.

"Is there a karaoke bar open anywhere in the region?" Angie pipes up. "I only mention it because I've been practising singing Gloria Gaynor's women's liberation anthem, 'I Will Survive' and I'd really love to be given the opportunity to give it an airing."

"Dunno..." PC Earl Grey says, even though he hasn't heard the question at all. He's been too busy ogling Angie's chest bumps to focus on anything. He thinks that Angie has the most attractive treasure chest he's ever clapped eyes on.

He is mesmerised.

"You could try the Running Horses in Erith," PC JO chips in. He at least has the presence of mind not to be intoxicated by the shapely chest bumps confronting his very eyes. "It's a bit shit, full of West Ham and Gooners, but they might give you an appreciative ear if you sing Gloria Gaynor's feminist anthem 'I Will Survive.' But you never know. Beware the Royal Albert though, it's full of Millwall BNP dickheads. I wouldn't recommend that."

"Not at all..." PC Earl Grey opines.

"I have no idea what you people are talking about," Lola suddenly snaps. She is really pissed off because everybody is gawping at Angie's chest accessories, which are emphasised by the dampness of her damp, clingy, top.

"I'm going for a pee!" Lola says pompously.

She storms outside, past the body, contemptuously brushing it aside as she departs. So that the rope creaks.

Johnny Boy doesn't register this at all.

His radar is locked firmly on Angie's heaving bosom.

"Reckon she's got the hump," PC JO says.

"Shame she doesn't have two. On her chest. Perfectly formed ones at that, like Angie..." Johnny Boy mutters absently.

"OH MY GOD THERE'S ANOTHER ONE OUT HERE!" Lola screams. "ANOTHER DEAD BODY! IT'S STAKED TO THE GROUND!"

PC Earl Grey looks PC JO in the eye.

"Looks like we're going to have to leave the Monkey Woods anagram game on the back-burner for tonight JO." he says.

"Shit!" PC JO curses.

Just then, a grizzled head appeared in the doorway.

"It's ME!" the head says. "It's Buck from Duncan's Pompey Bar And Grill! We met earlier! Remember?"

Nobody speaks.

They are all in shock.

"Listen," Buck says. "I've got my gun, and I've got my blood and gore spattered leather apron. What say we kick some ass?"

To be continued. Possibly. Weather permitting.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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