Sonia Sotomayor granted CNN's Anderson Cooper the first interview since officially becoming a United States Supreme Court Judge.
AC: Good morning Sonia, if I may call you Sonia.
SS: Well actually I would prefer that you call me United States Supreme Court Justice Sotomayor. I worked very hard to achieve that title and I just want to hear it as many times as I can.
AC: Fair enough. So tell me United States Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor, how does it feel to know that you will now be making decisions that will directly affect millions of people not only in America but the world as well.
SS: Anderson, it feels great. I guess that the best way that I could put it is that I am as happy as a termite in a lumberyard.
AC: Wow! That's happy.
SS: You bet your (EXPLETIVE DELETED: BUT IT RHYMES WITH GRASS) I'm happy.
AC: So is there anything at all that you would like to say to the American people.
SS: Yes there is.
AC: And what would that be?
SS: I just want to let every citizen of the great United States know that I will serve to the best of my ability without any regard to race, color, gender, religious affiliation, or party affiliation...well except for maybe one or two bastard members of the GOP, and you two limp-wristed twits know who you are Senator Linhowe Berthberry and Senator Schuyler Muffgusset.
AC: Wow. I am impressed Justice Sotomayor. You certainly do not beat around the bush do you.
SS: Okay now Mr. Cooper are you sexually harassing me?
AC: Well, no. What makes you think that?
SS: Because you said beating around the bush. And to me it seems that you are implying that maybe I play for the other side.
AC: The other side? The other side of what?
SS: Come on Coopy don't act like you are some innocent little kid who just got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
By other side I meant that you were inferring that I was a clam jouster, or maybe a donut grinder, or perhaps a carpet muncher.
AC: Whoa! Hold on there Justice Sotomayor. Please do not be putting words in my mouth.
SS: Oh. So now are you implying that I like to yodel in the canyon?"
AC: Ah...I am going to cut to a commercial because Frankly you have succeeded in getting me all F'ed up.
[THE SHOW CUTS TO A COMMERICAL FOR DUNKIN' DONUTS]
AC: Okay. We're back now. Let's see where were we?
SS: You had just basically insinuated that I am a Lesbyterian.
AC: Look Sonia, I mean Justice Sotomayor. You are really getting carried away with all this talk about you being a lesbian. Stop talking about it. Everyone knows that you are as straight as an orchestra conductor's baton.
SS: You're right Anderson. I won't bring it up again.
AC: Hey, you said up. But seriously. Everybody knows that I am a very impartial individual. And everyone knows that I like everybody, straights, bi's, gays, Republicans, vegetarians, NASCAR drivers, West Virginia coal miners, and even Rush Limbaugh and his sister Bill O'Reilly.
SS: West Virginia coal miners?
AC: My mom once had a maid who had a sister who dated a coal miner back during the coal mine strike of 1973. He was a wonderful person. He used to let me play with his pick axe.
AC: Excuse me?
SS: The coal mine strike occurred in 1974. The interior designers strike took place in 1973.
AC: Okay. Thank you Judge Sotomayor. And I see that we have used up all of our interview time. I really did not want to spend that much time talking about bean flicking and such.
SS: Anderson that is a double harassment statement; race and sexual orientation.
AC: Ah, no judge it isn't. Thank you for coming by. And Frankly I can just imagine what your interview with Rush Limbaugh will be like.
SS: Do not call me Frank. My name is Sonia.
AC: Good night judge.
SS: And Anderson I am not a night judge. I am a United States of America Supreme Court Judge.
AC: Ah, Judge Sotomayor, I do have one more quick question.
AC: I do not mean to insult you or sound mean in any way, shape, or form. But when do you plan on doing something about your hair?
SS: Such as what?
AC: Well for starters combing it now and then would be nice don't you think.
SS: Anderson are you jealous because your hair is white and mine is black. Or are you maybe jealous because you have a very prevalent receding hairline and I do not?
AC: Never mind.
SS: I thought so.