Skoob1999: Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been 23-years since my last confession.
Father Francois: Go on, my child.
Skoob1999: I have unclean thoughts, Father. And I touch my pee pee far too often.
Father Francois: Yes, my son, if you shake more than twice after you urinate, you're playing with it.
Skoob1999: I know, Father. Really, I have tried to stop masturtbating, but I've had just about as much luck with that as I have had with stopping my bed wetting. Mrs. Skoob1999 is really at the end of her rope. What can I do to save our marriage, Father?
Father Francois: Get her a bed of her own, and a room of her own as well.
Skoob1999: Thank you, Father. What can I do about my unclean thoughts.
Father Francois: I want you to start a journal into which you will write every dirty detail of your unclean thoughts. Regardless of how repugnant, how depraved they are, write each one down. Have I made myself clear?
Skoob1999: Yes, Father, completely clear. What do I do with the journal?
Father Francois: You will turn it into me at Mass on Sunday morning. I will return it to you two-hours later. For right now, though, give me a little hint of what dirty thoughts you have. What are the key points?
Skoob1999: They involve jello. Large curd cottage cheese. Pasta. Large pendulous breasts. A banjo. Carrots. Small rodents. Enemas. Little things like that.
Am I absolved, Father? What penance should I perform?
Are you there, Father?