Written by Chamone

Friday, 10 July 2009

image for My Dirty Secret -The Chamone Story

It was the story that rocked the very core of TheSpoof.com and had everybody talking. It was the biggest mystery since Dr. Edward Maxwell's mischievous adventures and featured sex, yearning and lots of pouting.

Chamone/Ally touched the world's hearts and minds and lived the spoof dream of fame and glory. As she rose through the rankings she somehow proved that spoofing is not just a male-dominated crusty old man's game. She opened the doors of possibility for other teenage dental secretaries all across the globe.

But then the whole thing came crashing back down to Earth when it was revealed that she was a fraud.

The gorgeous teen temptress, who wrote such humorous tales of children shitting and Michael Jackson-based adventures, was unmasked as none other than the missing presumed dead Jesus Budda.

In this exclusive interview we get to find out exactly what went on behind the amazing trio of Ally/Chamone/Jesus Budda.

Interviewer: So what exactly did you hope to achieve with this whole charade?

Ally/Chamone/JB: I was bored of the dullness of the forums and wanted to pump some life into its decaying, diseased heart. [Tears well up in eyes] I miss my good friend Monkey Woods and [sobs] I just wanted to continue the good work he started with his multiple personas….

Interviewer:But why pretend to be a teenage girl? Surely that's fucking weird?

Ally/Chamone/JB: I agree. But I calculated that the male-dominated forum contributors would soil their knickers at the prospect of being able to communicate with a beautiful girl for once in their lives. Some of these people have never talked to a girl before, you know?
I hung up my spoof story writing boots in December last year with Jesus Budda. I couldn't exactly break my solemn vow never to write crap again, could I? So I needed to carry on my 'good work' in a different form….

Interviewer: But why a football loving 'dental secretary'? And what exactly is a dental secretary anyway?

Ally/Chamone/JB: I have no idea. I actually have no idea what the hell a dental secretary is or why I didn't say 'dental receptionist'! The football thing was to help ease myself into the English-based writers' world and into their banal and tedious conversations.

Interviewer:The name 'Chamone' is an obvious reference to Michael Jackson who died so tragically recently, but what is the significance of 'Ally'?

Ally/Chamone/JB: Yes, the loss of Michael Jackson was tragic. The world lost one of its top paedophile entertainers.
On the whole 'Ally' thing, I just felt that using a 'real' name would help add to the realism of my mischief. I chose Ally because it was easy to spell - except I fucked up by actually misspelling it one time and I think that eventually led to my unmasking.
Who misspells their own name, for fuck sake???!!!

Interviewer: Yes, you are fucking shit at spelling, aren't you? A real dyslexic bastard-face of a man.

Ally/Chamone/JB:It's my typing and poor use of the spell-checker, really. In reality I have excellent spelling skills when writing by hand. Or my feet. Or penis.

Interviewer:I find that hard to believe, you fuck.
Anyway, let us continue: Were you surprised by the reaction Chamone/Ally got from the other writers?

Ally/Chamone/JB: That's an interesting question. And you are a very beautiful woman…[Flirtatious]

Interviewer: Why thank you. Now, just answer the fucking questions and we'll make out later in the hotel bar.

Ally/Chamone/JB: It's a deal!
Chamone was rising up the point's rankings until she was found out - and she would have gone much higher if it hadn't been for you pesky kids! [waves fists at nothing in particular] Well, the boy Lowton, that is….

Let me comment on the motherfucking writers:
NickFun was exactly as I thought he would be. He was a consummate sleaze-ball and I'm sure made every woman on the face of the spoof site cringe in horror at his devilish ways!

Jalapenoman was like some kind of dainty southern gentleman mixed with a perverted dirty old man. He actually exceeded my expectations. He was helpful and friendly yet still retaining a forceful desire to get into my knickers.

Fergus McCarthy gave my stories lots of stars and put them into the discussion forum, which helped boost Chamone/Ally's profile. I guess he knew something was going on but whether he knew it was Jesus Budda or not is debatable.

Queen Mudder was predictable. She had one good put down line about 'tits or head' when replying to a Buckwheats comment about Chamone needing something extra up top or something like that, but she kept well out of the whole Chamone/Ally things generally. I was waiting for her to use the 'troll' word and she didn't disappoint!
Secretly Jesus Budda and Queen Mudder are in a long standing love affair - Jesus Budda is left standing for long times out side her bedroom window while she makes love to her pet Shetland pony 'Sebastien'.

Buckwheatsbutt was true to himself. He was a filthy, decrepit old codger who any lonely teenage girl would easily fall in love with - if she were retarded!


Interviewer: What about the other losers: Skoob, Jaggedone, etc?


Ally/Chamone/JB: Jaggedone surprised me slightly: he wasn't as stupid as I had thought he was.

And Skoob was the same old Skooby Wooby [chuckles]. He carried on talking complete and utter bollox right through the whole thing. That man really does think the 1970's never ended….

I found Earl Grey to be a very nice man indeed. Reminded me of my good friend InSeine, a little……

Interviewer:[Impatient] Can I just interrupt you there for a second - are you going to actually say something funny, for fucks sake?!! You are just rambling now!

Ally/Chamone/JB:Hold onto your knickers, woman. I'm getting there. Relax and just let me continue.

Interviewer: Well, hurry up. I'm bursting to have a shit.
Ally/Chamone/JB: You know, you are even more attractive when you talk dirty…
Right, let me get back to my bitchin':

Madame Bitters added some friendly female rivalry. A charming little whore, if ever I saw one.

Duncan Whitehead was fuck all use. He should get a better agent.


Morse talked some words and added some scepticism with a sprinkling of something else, which I couldn't fully identify. Possibly sheep droppings, or something similar.


My beloved son Henman made a wonderful reappearance. He reminds me so much of my good friend Buckwheatsbutt. Strange how they never are on the site at exactly the same time….

The other writers on the forums added their own special touches of pointless drivel and for that I thank them from the bottom of me, erm, bottom.


Interviewer: And what about the man who runs theSpoof website, Mark Lowton?


Ally/Chamone/JB: [Stamps feet and tears well up in eyes] That bastard ruined my fun! I don't want to go there. It's too…hurtful…to talk about.
Please, lets move on.

Interviewer:Would you feel better if I stroked your thighs?


Ally/Chamone/JB: Yes. That would be very…soothing.

Interviewer: If you could offer advice to other writers considering acting mischievously, what would you say to them?


Ally/Chamone/JB:[Pondering deeply] Of course, it is against Spoof policy to have alternate identities on the forums, so I would naturally not condone such nasty, wicked actions.
But, if my life depended on it and it was a 'Sophie's Choice'-type situation, I would tell them to start slowly by writing some stories and only then, after building some momentum and a slight profile, enter the discussion forums.
But please note that I am totally against such vile, in-human actions!


Interviewer:Why, thank you, Chamone/Ally/Jesus Budda for your precious time.


Ally/Chamone/JB: [Getting up out of bean-bag chair] Shall we make out now?

Interviewer:Please wait for the drugs to kick-in first, matey! And I should advise you that I want you as Chamone and not as Jesus Budda.


Ally/Chamone/JB:[Shrugs shoulders] Makes sense to me!

© Cult of Jesus Budda Industries 2009. No children or animals were harmed during this interview, but a few were scared shitless and prodded with large pointy sticks.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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