Washington DC: In order to reduce the $2.0 Trillion budget deficit the Obama administration is proposing a series of new sin taxes to be offset by various tax credits. The administration feels that the current alcohol and tobacco taxes have been pushed to their limits and taxpayers are "tapped out."
The new sin taxes include:
1. Viagra tax: Congress is debating whether this tax will be assessed by the pill or the inch.
2. Condom tax: Congress is debating whether this tax will be assessed by the box, diameter or the inch.
3. Bikini wax tax: This tax, assessed by the square inch, will add a new dimension to an already hair raising experience. Depilatory sales have already seen a jump, but Congress has it covered via a new excise tax on these products.
4. Virgin assessment tax (VAT): The name VAT is misleading, as it is to be a tax on all non-virgins, which should raise quite a lot of money. Real Virgins are tax exempt, but must prove it.
5. Bra tax: This tax affects only "plastic boobs" over size 32 B and is expected to hit Hollywood CA pretty hard. The Internal Revenue Service (IRS) is advising women below the minimum to go braless. Victoria's Secret has filed a restraint of trade lawsuit against the IRS.
6. Sexually transmitted disease (STD) tax: Penicillin and other antibiotics will be taxed by the shot for STD cases. HIV medications are tax exempt.
7. Substance abuse tax: Marijuana, airplane glue and ladies underwear sniffing will now be taxed definitely by the joint, tube or piece part.
8. Toilet paper tax: This tax is to be assessed by the roll and is expected to raise quite a lot of money, as it equally affects all segments of the population.
Tax credits available include:
1. Adopt obsolete ordnance credit: The adoption of an obsolete missile, tank or artillery piece for use as a lawn ornament, planter or fish pond will qualify a taxpayer for a "green" tax credit to offset any of the proposed sin taxes. (The government saves disposal costs, while satisfying the environmentalists.)
2. Vasectomy credit: A male taxpayer undergoing a vasectomy would be eligible for a tax credit. This procedure is designed to reduce future conspicuous consumption. However, Congress is debating whether this tax credit is counterproductive, as it also eliminates future taxpayers.
3. Butt mass index (BMI) credit: A reduction in BMI to within normal parameters, as determined by Congress, will qualify all genders for a tax credit. BMI reduction results in Carbon footprint downsizing, but may increase the likelihood of exposure to some sin taxes.
Tax rates are to be worked out by Congress and given to the IRS for promulgation. Up to 10,000 new IRS inspector positions will be created to enforce the collection of the new taxes.