'Here are the latest European results', said Sky presenter B B C Sackedme. 'In last place are the British National Party, with no seats, and then it's UKIP, with none either. In third place are the Liberal Democrats, who haven't won a seat, then it's the Conservatives. With a 0% swing towards them, they remain at 0 seats. And Labour still have no seats. James.'
'Thank you. Jim.' Thank you. Now, with our groovy computer programme that a passing 10 year-old child designed in his elevenses break, let's break down the figures using a mouldy old pie chart.'
'Clearly the Tories have no seats, yet Labour have dramatically not got any seats yet either. With none at all, UKIP have surprised a few people, but of little surprise is the disastrous state of the Noseat Party, who have yet to win a seat. William.' 'Uh -' 'Thank you.'
'And here is our special political editor from Downing Street, Phillin Wafflehurst. Phillin.' 'Well', speaking against dramatic-sounding static, 'things have really heated up here, as seat after seat haven't yet returned a result! I spoke to ex-Prime Minister's wife's foot masseuse Carol Fillin, and she recommended using some athlete's foot cream on the lack of results. Jim.'
'Thank you Phillin. James.' 'Jim.' 'And ... here is some breaking news coming in ... yes ... at last another result hasn't come in. Phillin?'
'No change there, Jim, a negative result scenario has appeared, as our friends across the Atlantic would call it.' 'Thank you.'
Cue adverts for feminine hygiene and cleaning products.