Boogertown Bank cashier, J. Baily "Doodles" McKee has an imaginary case of the Swine Flu that he claims has already merged with his "Year-round" flu, and that it is quickly spreading throughout his body and will ultimately reach deep into his lungs, kidneys, toenails and tailbone unless he receives better treatment than he's gotten so far at the Boogertown Free Clinic.
"I knew it was that Swine Flu several days ago when my headache lingered even after I took an aspirin," Doodles said of the imaginary disease, which he estimated to be "the Tamworth Swine which is mostly in Briton where they use them for bacon," despite the lack of any noticeable coughing or any temperature of any kind.
"Yesterday I'm pretty sure it merged into my regular flu because I swallowed a bug that flew into my mouth and that must have caused the two bugs to merge, one of which I think is moving behind my left eye, since I noticed some slight blurring in my vision two minutes ago after I sneezed and forgot to cover my mouth. Now the whole bank staff may get it. At least the sneeze covered the fart."
"Wonder if that's what happened to me? Harvey in collections farts a lot and his face is always red, big old belly. Yep, I was in there with him alone when he cut one last month. I can't have much time left."
Sources close to Doodles remain confident he will pull through, citing the fact that he has already survived three imaginary cardiac arrests, five imaginary hernias, at least seventeen cases of exposure to imaginary anthrax in his mail, an imaginary car bomb (when it backfired) and the clap.