Emergency Medical Officer's Log, Stardate 696969.2:
A centuries-old sub-space distress call from Capt Buck Kirk's Starship Enterprise has triggered a Federation listening post trip-wire in the Vulva Quadrant. Ouch.
What has been diagnosed as 'The Michelle Obama Anomaly' - a massive 21st century black hole temporal distortion - was initially suspected of being a discarded Vulcan Pon Farr hormone pessary, fashioned on early Romulan viagra implants.
Or, possibly, the Borg Queen Mudder's own Copper-Seven-of-Nine intra-uterine device.
Suffice to say that it is jamming all known current Starfleet encryption codes and playing havoc with the Capt Buck Kirk's crew's individual achievements numerical score board.
That has left the Federation Security Council a sitting duck to attack from 'visitors from within' as these mutant retro-life-forms are sometimes called.
We suspect that a fetid bio-mass entity may be the chimaera spawn of omnipotent temporal lord Q and his Q Continuum consort.
Codenamed 'Helium' in Chapter Two this isotopic crossbreed once foolishly attempted 'mating' with the Borg Queen Mudder.
None of your tacky Vulvan, er... Vulcan! - mind-meld stuff, mind.
Full-throttle, full-frontal hows-yer-father malarkey.
Attracted by claims of her notorious rapacity for perverse conjunctions, no doubt.
As all you mutant humanoids know this is the stuff of Federation legend.
We've been ordered to proceed at warp speed to rendezvous with the USS Crazy Whorse.
Our mission is to decode the cloaking device that shields the Borg Queen Mudder, extract any internal implants while she'd under sedition, er....sedation! - and deprogram the near Neanderthal Capt Kirk's crew's virus-infested minds.
A reported outbreak of mass wormhole-fellating hysteria aboard the Buck Kirk-captained Starship Enterprise must be dealt with severely, immediately and at all costs.
EMO over and out.