Chat show host Jesus H. Christ today gave Pope Benedict the Fourteenth a hard time on his show, 'It Ain't Rocket Science', live on BBC1.
As the former Nazi walked on to the stage, he was somewhat taken aback to be greeted by boos from the studio audience, and shouts of 'Liar!', and 'Fascist!', and awkwardly took his seat, dressed in a woman's purple and white dress. The Pope, not the seat, which was a gold seat stolen by the Jesuits from the Incas, after murdering a few million of them to get their hands on it.
'Now, Joe', said Jesus, 'let's not mess around here, let's not beat about the burning bush [laughter], let's not tell a bunch of porkie pies to the ladies and gentlemen watching this. Let's get straight to the point - your religion is a fake!' [cheers and applause]
'Wass? I mean what? I was only obeying orders!' 'No, no, Your Ridiculousness [laughter], I'm not accusing you of being a willing member of the Hitler Youth - even though you were - I'm saying that the Roman Catholic faith is a load of deliberate lies. And I can prove it!'
At this Herr Ratzinger became a bit nervous, and started muttering to himself about 'schwein' and 'maybe Adolf was right about the Britischers', but Jesus continued: 'You know as well as I do that there was no resurrection, no coming back to life, not even a hint of the impossible happening - I simply didn't die after my crucifixion, which is why I was seen again a few days later.'
'But -' 'And I totally opposed violence and wars, though disliked the Romans intensely, and was married to Mary Magdalene. So how come you're running an all-male religion, based in Rome, that supports wars?' [loud cheers and whistling]
'And has allowed not only mass child abuse by priests against children, but also helped hundreds of mass-murdering Nazis escape to safety in South America, after the Second World War? What the f*** has all this got to do with my teachings and life????' [Jesus getting angry, as he was with the priests in the Temple]
'You're a hypocrite, a liar, a swindler, and have taken the Jewish faith and the European pagan one and mixed them up into a complete bunch of bullshit, that means nothing to anyone, and have used it for centuries to condone wars, child abuse, and worldwide theft on an awesome scale. Your own church has enough stolen treasures in it to feed millions of hungry people, if the treasures were sold off.'
'There have been a few mistakes', the Pope admitted, to audience laughter, 'but, er, well, er ... heresy! That's the word I was looking for. (Whew). That explains everything, and I'm now going back to Rome to look at my collection of Michaelangelo paintings. In other words, I have nothing to say about your allegations.'
'Allegations? These are facts, perfectly well-known to millions of people, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, even Protestants. You're a fraud, anti-aircraft gunner Joe, and so is your religion.'
'But -' 'Thousands, maybe millions of Christians have died to follow my teachings of non-violence and worshipping God, of following the Commandments and helping the poor and weak, you and your friends have turned it into nonsense and lies. My mother wasn't a virgin, and I wasn't born in December, and I never 'rose from the dead', so put that in your sanctimonious pipe and smoke it!' [laughter]
'You are encouraging heresy, Mr. Christ, and I won't allow it! From now on Christians will ignore all your teachings and known facts about your life, and do what I say!' [boos]
'Don't think so, oh Deceitful One, ever since another German pointed out what crap your people are up to five hundred years ago, most Christians ignore everything you say. The only people that trust you nowadays are people in half-starving countries in South America and Africa. You're finished!' [great cheers]
'Right, I'm leaving! Please ignore everything Jesus is saying, people. I do, and so has my church for two thousand years!', and with that the Pope stormed out of the studio, pausing merely to change into a gold lame women's dress. 'That went well!', Jesus said to much laughter.
'On next week's show I'll be talking to the Reverend Ian Paisley, and asking him what Christianity has to do with funding people like the Shankill Butchers and the UVF, and to the head of the Catholic Church in Ireland, to get him to explain where the ideas of confession, men dressing in frocks, denying the Holocaust happened, abusing little children, and celebrating Christmas and Easter came from - certainly not from me! Good night!'
[camera cuts to outside car park, where Joseph Ratzinger is phoning the Spanish Inquisition on his mobile] 'Listen, Luigi, I want a fatwa or whatever we call it declared on Jesus Christ.'
'Yes, I know he's kind of important to our business, but not that important. He's certainly not important to us alive, and if it gets out I'm a liar and he never died on the cross, we're in trouble. The usual fee, same as when we took care of Roberto Calvi. And don't use a cross!'