Fine 19th Century building, set in West London, improvements added in 1950s. Two buildings joined by old wooden door.
Has own luxury restaurants, swimming pool, printing press with Royal Mint casts, and large pig trough.
In the garden is old well, where you can use the ducking stool there for any thieves, perverts, liars or swindlers that are still hanging around the building after purchase.
Comes with own police force of wise brass monkeys, who never see, hear nor speak any evil.
South facing, towards Greater London Expenses Claims Plc, has own pier for luxury yachts, ocean-going liners, or gold bullion ships you may need.
Has own guard dog, Blackrod, who is specially trained to chase away any elderly ladies trying to make collections for the Save The Royals Fund.
All mod cons, including expenses ones. Laughing gas central heating, for when you're checking the expenses cons meter in the cold cellar, kept at just above freezing point for your crates of champagne.
Ownership gives you the ancient title of Lord High Executioner of Anyone Calling You Thieves and Liars.
Special operating theatre in west wing for sense of humour bypass operations and wooden nose reductions, has large supply of pure alcohol drips.
Comes with free luxury cars, servants, food, use of helicopters for going out to dinner in, and personal staff of sycophantic, grovelling secretaries.
No time wasters interested in hard work and changing the country for the better, please. Loafers, scroungers and two-faced parasites especially welcome. Offers over £0-97. Buy before June and get a free holiday with someone else's wife.
Interested parties should contact: Blears, Davies and Smith, Westminster Job Centre, 3 Shaftingthenation Avenue, London. SW1 NDLER5.